Fear/shame of being an abuser

I have not been writing for a while, under the excuse of I am 'busy'. That I am concentrating on 'too much' to blog.

I feel shame at this, fear at this, the fear that I am just a bullshitter, that I am not worthy of being a custodian of life. I Know I am a bullshitter, I have been one all my life, I have lied through my teeth, I have abused others for personal gain, I have always and still do neglect to take into account all life as equal, I see that there is so much backchat going on in my head, there will always be a voice saying 'you know your just gonna go back to your usual self, you know, how you always are, you will just end up focusing on yourself, until you feel satisfied, and until you go crazy'.

This is what always goes on in my head, I always feel useless at what I am doing, it never feels authentic, it never is authentic, the way I communicate with people, the amount of bullshit that comes out of my mouth, and then I just forget, or try too, until the next moment in which I am involved and judgement and bullshit.

I have always surrounded myself with bullshitters, they reflect how fucked I am, Im only now starting to appreciate this, but yet still it continues, still I find reasons to postpone writing, still after I have found self forgiveness to be effective, I will elborately create a reason to just leave it 'for a day'. I know that this is bullshit and yet I still do it.

I am still involved in the same patterns, the same fears of judgements of others on the forums, the constant fear. I catch myself saying to myself that all I can do is 'try my best' but then immediately I know this is bullshit as well.

I think the best thing to do now is start again completely, start reading the material from the beginning and closely, and not randomly, and start implementing it simply. Thats a good idea.

So this is me starting again, and again, as many times as I have too until I become affective.

Thanks,

Zakaria

Writing myself to freedom more effectively

Stop being jealous of other peoples ‘effective’ writing, I assume that it is ‘more’ effective than my writing, and I clearly see that I am still holding back in terms of what I expose to myself, and how I expose it. I must now make a commitment to just write, ill change the way I do forgiveness, and instead focus more on writing myself out, and properly exposing myself to myself. I direct myself to write out my constructs in detail, and to not participate in worry or anxiety to get my forgiveness ‘done’. I commit myself to clear out my shit, and to not do it half arsed.

I have always done things in a half arsed manner, never choosing to go beyond the bare minimum, never wanting to move beyond that threshold and to that point where something was expected of me.

This is how it started I think, people would begin expecting things of me, good things, and I would perform for the most part, but then something or someone else would take over, they would surpass me completely, and there would be absolutely no way that I could catch up or regain my position within a classroom or on the playground. This made me feel so helpless, it made me go to a point where I just gave up trying to be special, but being special made me feel good, so I tried to be special in another way, in a more passive way; thinking to myself that I will wait to be ‘recognised’ instead. Thinking that if I am not recognised and given recognition then I am actually not worth anything, and feeling that even if it was just one person in the whole wide world who saw me as being as holding a special power, or being superior, then  it would all be worth it.

But then of course when this point would come, I would acknowledge it, relish in the feeling, and in the same moment crave more and move on to something else that will make someone else think the same thought processes of me; that ‘wow, he is special’. I would laugh at this pattern if it was not so sad.

Even now, underlying all my thought processes, and actions in the world, I clearly see my desire to be recognised, and I actively enforce it through daydreams and the same passive actions I have always engaged with. 

I have enjoyed just writing like this! More to come, as it comes,

Not wanting to do things, 'I want to do it later!'

27-2-11 - Being annoyed at my sister whenever she asks me to stop doing something, like playing a game, I get very angry, to the point where I just don’t acknowledge her. This pattern has been going on for a long time since my youth, saying to myself, I don’t want to do it now, I want to do it later, fighting with whoever or whatever is being asked of me, and always putting it off for another time, always thinking that what I am doing now supersedes what I have to do and what is here for me to be done now. Always saying no, ALWAYS THINKING LATER. Allowing this to affect other parts of my life, always acting by this reasoning of slower is better, later is better. Secretly not wanting to have to deal with it at all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in annoyance at my sister for asking me to turn the game off. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a negative reaction of not saying anything when I am asked to do something, I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that I was stable and centred for not saying anything when in reality I was inwardly reacting and feeding this mind bubble. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have participated in this pattern from a very young age, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought ‘I don’t want to do this now, I want to do it later’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in fighting with whoever was asking me to do whatever it was that needed to be done. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the judgement ‘no it does not need to be done now’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the action and desire of wanting to leave it for another time, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  define myself according to the belief that what I am doing now takes priority over what has to be done now in this moment. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by these actions of putting things off till later. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought ‘NO, I WOULD RATHER DO IT LATER’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let this affect other areas of my life to the extent that with everything I do, I will put off. I forgive myself for allowing myself to define myself according to the need to put things off. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that slower is better, I forgive myself for using this idea of slowness as a justification for not doing things. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from myself the fact that I secretly don’t want to do anything at all. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by these constructs. I direct myself to observe whenever this pattern arises, to stand equal too and one with it, to breathe through it, and to get whatever needs to be done, done. Until this pattern is no longer, and until I am practically moving in this world as an expression of myself as what is best for all as one, and not the mind which I have come to accept and allow.

Being pissed off at being so crap at dragon age, thinking to myself that I am a looser because I cant even decently win fights without vastly struggling. Viewing this as a reflection of how ‘crap’ I am in reality. My desire to just for once be ‘good’ at something. To get my rogue up to scratch. And then thinking/feeling that I should just play on easy and enjoy the actual game, but then behind this thinking that I am not as good as all those other players that do it ‘properly’. Then being upset at this. Lol. It was a very hard series of emotions to go through

26/2/11 – Went for an interview yesterday, I always finding myself getting nervous when they ask me questions, and I always try and put on this confident smile, mixed with subtle interest, when in reality I am just looking to get the job, as a volunteer or otherwise. The lady who was there also said she would contact me with details, but she still has not done this; I find myself going into the same thought patterns of paranoia that I have always participated in, like ‘she must of thought that I was crap, she must of thought that the way I answered ‘that’ question was unsatisfactory. She must of thought badly of me for not wanting to ask any questions! Damn, im not even going to get a volunteer position, sad face, then I ‘look up’ and think to myself, ‘it was probably going to be crap anyway, and this means it will free me up to get that job that I always wanted.’

So I go through this swinging action of depression to hope, and this is how I always see myself doing this throughout my life, in any and every situation. And to think it all started off in my head, with the smallest projection, or the smallest ‘lack of’ action, not actually knowing anything about the situation I always tend to ‘fill in’ the blanks. First with negative and then with positive imagery.s

There are also many reactions towards my dad, whom I always hate when he says certain things, when he does things, when he speaks things, I always allow myself to think it is him

25/2/11 – Experienced a random act of verbal violence today, this is not the first time it has happened. And I react by going into a shell. Where I make it appear as if I did not hear them, or am ignoring them, and just continue walking. It is only after the fact that I start to experience the actual fear, all the what if’s come into my mind, and I start to worry; paranoia sets in and I start thinking about the safety of my family, thinking it was so close to my house, what if they know where I live and come back, but with more people. This fear of physical violence being perpetrated against me, or my family, frightens me. And the strange thing is, this will happened every so often, like once every six months, I was in my head a lot before and as this was happening. Is this trying to tell me something? Some sort of cycle showing me something? Showing me what|?

24/2/11- It’s a warm sunny day, and the urge to go out and get high is upon me again, the thought ‘what will I do when im outside in this weather, what will I do without green?’. I participate in the belief that one ‘happy’ days like these, green makes me even happier.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought ‘I want green because it is a nice sunny day’. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be limited by these thoughts of green and happiness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that because it is a sunny day, it is a happy day. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by ideas of happiness and light. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought ‘what else will I do outside in this weather, there is nothing that I would want to do more than to smoke green. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in this self limiting belief. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that on days like these the best thing to do is get high. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by these thought and beliefs and desires.

The thought that I just want time to speed up, so that I can show to myself that I will not be tempted to masturbate

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought that I want time to speed up so that I can show myself that I will not be tempted by masturbation. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by the desire to ‘fight against me and my sexual energies’

Thought of my penis touching a vagina playfully, and becoming arouse by this thought, after having seen it in a porno, where a woman playfully came into contact with her male protagonist and their genitalia made contact. I found this to be ‘stimulating’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in excitement and energy at the image of vagina playfully touching cock. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by excitement and energy at this playful attitude towards sex. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in masturbation thereafter. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by this stimulation, I forgive myself for allowing myself to let this thought and image have power over me.

When I see a girl smiling at me, I assume she is laughing at me, or in some cases flirting with me, but mostly laughing, I can remember doing this since quite a long time ago. Must source original memory

Running into eople from my past

22/2/11 – Past ‘friends’ and how I would treat them/view them/use them for my own means or to get something. Regret at having used them, regret at having used them just for drugs and escapism

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the construct of ‘friends’. I forgive myself for allowing myself to use ‘friends’ as a prop to support my ego. I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to negatively and dishonestly abuse and use ‘friends’ for my own egoic purposes. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the action of using friends to ‘get ahead’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have participate in the action of using friends as a drug source (lol, can you see the irony?). I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to use friends as an escape from myself

My desire to remain one step ahead of my brother in terms of weight loss. Always using/used him as a point of comparison

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that I must remain one step ahead of my brother when it comes to weight loss. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use him as a point of comparison for myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that I must go into ‘lose weight constructs’ when I am around him. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by the idea that I must lose weight. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to the desire to have a perfect body. I direct myself to stop all this bullshit. I direct myself to instead stand one and equal too my body, that’s enough.

My judging a friend as being evil and dishonest, thinking and believing that he will never ‘get it’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that my friend is the incarnation of pure ego. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that he is evil. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought that he will never ‘get it’. I direct myself to stop all judgements towards him. I direct myself to observe myself closely for any hidden judgements I may have towards him, and I direct myself to write it out ASAP and forgive the thoughts specifically.

Deeply held beliefs on money and sexual energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that sexual energy is akin to money. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by this thought of equating sexual energy to money. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in pre programmed beliefs about sexual energy. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by energy. I direct myself to observe when these points come up, and stop them accordingly.

When people see me after a long time the thought arises; damn, they must think that I have not changed at all, look how much they have changed, they have become successful and I am still the same boy that I was when I was young, they must think that im an unsuccessful looser.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when people I have not seen for a long time appear before me, to go into the thought reaction of ‘they must think I have not changed at all’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief and desire that when these people appear before me I must show them that I have ‘changed’. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by this desire to appear ‘changed’ in front of people from my past. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the perception ‘oh they have changed so much, they have become successful, I am still me as I was, that must mean they think im a looser’. I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in these thoughts. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by these thoughts. I direct myself to observe when these points come up, to stop them, by standing one and equal too them, and realising that any negative feelings (or positive feelings) I may be having, are self generated and self allowed. I direct myself to stop these deep patterns as and when I see them. I direct myself to confront them fully.

Past Achievements as Motivation for Action

21/2/11 - Need to weigh up my achievements to give me motivation to continue for something, like this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the mind system construct of ‘weighing up my achievement to motivate me to continue doing something’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the construct of motivation. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my ‘doing something’ on my past ‘achievements’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the idea of achievement. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by ideas of achievement, belief that I need motivation to do things; I direct myself to move practically as what is best for all equal and one. I direct myself to stop thoughts of ‘I have come so far, I should be proud of myself! If I continue I will be even better than I was before!’. I direct myself to see and observe these thoughts as they appear, and to stand equal too and one with them, and to stop them in every moment. I will not define myself according to achievement; I will no longer define myself according to motivation. I will no longer participate in the need to do something with ‘motivational backing’. I direct myself to do what I need to without all these ego supports. I direct myself to see and understand and realise that they are in fact supporting me as a mind.

Hero Daydream Response - Sourced

20/2/11 – My hero response is a response to emotional pain. I go into whenever I need to escape, I escape through music also. I also buy things to distract me from me, from my self, my emotions, from my situation. Ill confront everything. Now. Forever

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in emotional responses in regard to love, women, and attention, whether negative or positive. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape through music, daydreaming about being a hero, and buying things. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in these types of self distraction. I direct myself to observe when this happens, to stand one and equal too it, and to stop it in every moment, in every breath. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by these projections, I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by the need to ‘escape’. I forgive myself for allowing myself to sublimate the pain that I have allowed for projected fantasies of pleasure and heroism, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create self worth for myself. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by self worth. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by self image.

When I see a sexy girl in provocative pictures, I want to smoke. There is a fluttering tension inside me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in desires to smoke when I see pictures of women in provocative poses. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in energetic reactions to pictures of women.

Thoughts of humiliation in my dream, turned me on. Willing to masturbate over such fantasies, strong desire to just release the energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in self humiliation. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing as fact that I can be humiliated. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that humiliation exists. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be sexually aroused by thoughts of self humiliation. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by these thoughts of self humiliation. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thought desires to masturbate over this. I direct myself to realise that anything that makes me want to masturbate/release is something that still holds power over me and that I am royally separating myself from. I direct myself to stop separating myself from these thoughts, to stand one too and equal too it, to forgive it, to not let it have any power over me. I direct myself to do this in every breath in every moment for 90 days, to show that I am not addicted to sexual energy.

Jealousy at the thought of Alia being more well off than me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in jealousy towards the thought of Alia being more well off than me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts of her being ‘more’ than I ‘am’

My need to call people on their shots

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the reaction of having to ‘call people on their shots’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the need to make myself seem ‘hard’. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by this point. I direct myself to stop all manifestations in relation to this point, through breath and awareness.

In my dream I was about to have sex with a black girl, thoughts that I shouldn’t to avoid upgrading my mind systems. But then finally I thought, this is probably the only time its going to happen so I may as well leap on the opportunity, so go for it Zak. I am pretty sure in real life situations I would do the same thing, totally pleasure-penis centric, not an expression of body-self, just a part.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by the thought that I must leap on sexual opportunities because I rarely get them, and so it does not matter who it is with. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that I would not have sex with a black girl because I do not find them appealing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by this thought of judgement. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just jump on sexual opportunities without fully understanding the ramifications if I do it from a starting point of lust and mind. I forgive myself for not allowing myself to take into account my whole body as one, and to thus be one and equal too it in these cases and to take it in to full account.

19/2/11 – Viewing religious scholars from the same background as me, I get so fucked, like an intense embarrassment and shame comes over me, as if their stupidity is my own. I allow myself to go into an emotional reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in shame and embarrassment every time I see creationist religious scholars, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that they reflect ‘badly’ up on me, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought ‘what will other people think of ‘me’ when they see ‘him’’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a bodily reaction of tightness when I see or hear about these things.

Going crazy with thought, giving all my power away to mind fantasies, images, and thoughts, and backchatting; believing that I have no control, and that it is just who I am, so that I may as well ‘go with it’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that I am going crazy with thought. I forgive myself for just accepting and allowing myself to give all my power away to mind fantasies images thoughts and backchatting, believing that I have no control over them. I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that regardless of what is going on within me, I am the directive principle behind it, so I must stop, but first stand equal too and one with it. I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in the action of just ‘going with it’

Blonde girls, how I get excited when I see one, especially those that look like manifestations of past ego interests.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in excitement whenever I see blonde girls that resemble past influences. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in subtle feelings of hatred, jealousy and anger at them. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by these desires and emotions regarding blonde people. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that blonde people are superior to me because they are beautiful.

Had a dream, about the past, that one girl told the whole class I was a virgin, a blonde girl I knew was also there, I tried to keep it together, but I ended up getting watery eyed. And everybody laughed. Still showing I hold onto self definition on this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto self definition relating to past events. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to the anger and embarrassment I felt at the blonde girl. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by the words ‘you’re a virgin!’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that because I was a virgin back then, I was not worth anything. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cry at others peoples judgements towards me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by other peoples judgements. I forgive myself for defining myself according to their whims. I forgive myself for not allowing myself to give myself my power back to me, and to not allow others to take me away from me. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by these thoughts, beliefs, perceptions, emotions, and projections.

18/2/11 -Daydreaming and fantasising with images of heroism and self sacrifice as a way to appease my secret deep desire to have people like and love me! This is one of the points I have realised here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the desire to be loved. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the desire to be liked by others. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by these deep desires for love and attention. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my personality design around this construct. I direct myself to stop these manifestations and search for any and all other manifestations that are directly related to this construct. I direct myself to realise that it is mind fucking with itself, and has no bearing on actual physical reality.

Terror at Ideas of Nothing, how nothingness influenced me into not wanting to face myself

18/2/11 – Feeling ‘proud’ and ‘useful’ at having contributed something to family finances; I used this as an excuse to go into a ‘do whatever I want attitude’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that I have become ‘useful’ for contributing money to the family. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to the pride I feel in doing this. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this as justification to go into a state of mentality in which I say to myself ‘I am justified in doing what I want now’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to these thoughts, beliefs, and mind state justifications

Wanting to sleep, because its ‘warm’. Wanting to get away from myself.

I for give myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the desire to sleep ‘because its warm’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use warmth and comfort as a justification to get away from myself by sleeping. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the action of trying to get away from myself. I direct myself to understand that there should be nowhere else that I want to be, and that if there is a desire to escape somewhere it means that I am trying to escape from myself and what I have accepting and allowed. I direct myself to understand that I am facing myself and will have to face myself no matter what. So stop sleep. And start resting.

That there are some things that I don’t want to write down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the action of not writing down everything, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn away form things I am embarrassed or ashamed of. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in embarrassment and shame at those poinst. I direct myself to write them out and to stop them permanently.

Being scared of having nothing to do, in those moments of emptiness, when all chores are done, and everything I have purposefully engaged myself with is over, there I face myself, and then quickly try and come up with something else to do, it can be anything, the point is it has to be some thing, the notion of having nothing to do terrifies me to my core, because then all self definition stops; I will investigate my earliest memories of this, and I will confront it tonight when I am laying awake in my bed, ‘doing nothing’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a fear response at the prospect of having ‘nothing’ to ‘do’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the creation of mind system reinforcing actions and activities, in an effort to not confront myself in each moment as breath. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the quick formulation of ideas and activities to ‘entertain and distract myself with’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional reaction of terror at the idea of having nothing to do, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts of nothingness. I direct myself to realise that even the thought of nothing is still a thought, and that in actuality nothing does not exist, therefore by definition there is nothing to be scared of, lol. I direct myself to confront these thoughts of nothingness when I am with myself at night, as it is these trigger thoughts that initiate long sleep patterns in an effort to get away from this imaginary nothing. Brilliant. I will write back here on how that goes for me.