Fear/shame of being an abuser

I have not been writing for a while, under the excuse of I am 'busy'. That I am concentrating on 'too much' to blog.

I feel shame at this, fear at this, the fear that I am just a bullshitter, that I am not worthy of being a custodian of life. I Know I am a bullshitter, I have been one all my life, I have lied through my teeth, I have abused others for personal gain, I have always and still do neglect to take into account all life as equal, I see that there is so much backchat going on in my head, there will always be a voice saying 'you know your just gonna go back to your usual self, you know, how you always are, you will just end up focusing on yourself, until you feel satisfied, and until you go crazy'.

This is what always goes on in my head, I always feel useless at what I am doing, it never feels authentic, it never is authentic, the way I communicate with people, the amount of bullshit that comes out of my mouth, and then I just forget, or try too, until the next moment in which I am involved and judgement and bullshit.

I have always surrounded myself with bullshitters, they reflect how fucked I am, Im only now starting to appreciate this, but yet still it continues, still I find reasons to postpone writing, still after I have found self forgiveness to be effective, I will elborately create a reason to just leave it 'for a day'. I know that this is bullshit and yet I still do it.

I am still involved in the same patterns, the same fears of judgements of others on the forums, the constant fear. I catch myself saying to myself that all I can do is 'try my best' but then immediately I know this is bullshit as well.

I think the best thing to do now is start again completely, start reading the material from the beginning and closely, and not randomly, and start implementing it simply. Thats a good idea.

So this is me starting again, and again, as many times as I have too until I become affective.

Thanks,

Zakaria