Writing myself to freedom more effectively

Stop being jealous of other peoples ‘effective’ writing, I assume that it is ‘more’ effective than my writing, and I clearly see that I am still holding back in terms of what I expose to myself, and how I expose it. I must now make a commitment to just write, ill change the way I do forgiveness, and instead focus more on writing myself out, and properly exposing myself to myself. I direct myself to write out my constructs in detail, and to not participate in worry or anxiety to get my forgiveness ‘done’. I commit myself to clear out my shit, and to not do it half arsed.

I have always done things in a half arsed manner, never choosing to go beyond the bare minimum, never wanting to move beyond that threshold and to that point where something was expected of me.

This is how it started I think, people would begin expecting things of me, good things, and I would perform for the most part, but then something or someone else would take over, they would surpass me completely, and there would be absolutely no way that I could catch up or regain my position within a classroom or on the playground. This made me feel so helpless, it made me go to a point where I just gave up trying to be special, but being special made me feel good, so I tried to be special in another way, in a more passive way; thinking to myself that I will wait to be ‘recognised’ instead. Thinking that if I am not recognised and given recognition then I am actually not worth anything, and feeling that even if it was just one person in the whole wide world who saw me as being as holding a special power, or being superior, then  it would all be worth it.

But then of course when this point would come, I would acknowledge it, relish in the feeling, and in the same moment crave more and move on to something else that will make someone else think the same thought processes of me; that ‘wow, he is special’. I would laugh at this pattern if it was not so sad.

Even now, underlying all my thought processes, and actions in the world, I clearly see my desire to be recognised, and I actively enforce it through daydreams and the same passive actions I have always engaged with. 

I have enjoyed just writing like this! More to come, as it comes,