Sunday 13 March 2011

Fear/shame of being an abuser

I have not been writing for a while, under the excuse of I am 'busy'. That I am concentrating on 'too much' to blog.

I feel shame at this, fear at this, the fear that I am just a bullshitter, that I am not worthy of being a custodian of life. I Know I am a bullshitter, I have been one all my life, I have lied through my teeth, I have abused others for personal gain, I have always and still do neglect to take into account all life as equal, I see that there is so much backchat going on in my head, there will always be a voice saying 'you know your just gonna go back to your usual self, you know, how you always are, you will just end up focusing on yourself, until you feel satisfied, and until you go crazy'.

This is what always goes on in my head, I always feel useless at what I am doing, it never feels authentic, it never is authentic, the way I communicate with people, the amount of bullshit that comes out of my mouth, and then I just forget, or try too, until the next moment in which I am involved and judgement and bullshit.

I have always surrounded myself with bullshitters, they reflect how fucked I am, Im only now starting to appreciate this, but yet still it continues, still I find reasons to postpone writing, still after I have found self forgiveness to be effective, I will elborately create a reason to just leave it 'for a day'. I know that this is bullshit and yet I still do it.

I am still involved in the same patterns, the same fears of judgements of others on the forums, the constant fear. I catch myself saying to myself that all I can do is 'try my best' but then immediately I know this is bullshit as well.

I think the best thing to do now is start again completely, start reading the material from the beginning and closely, and not randomly, and start implementing it simply. Thats a good idea.

So this is me starting again, and again, as many times as I have too until I become affective.

Thanks,

Zakaria

Tuesday 1 March 2011

Writing myself to freedom more effectively


Stop being jealous of other peoples ‘effective’ writing, I assume that it is ‘more’ effective than my writing, and I clearly see that I am still holding back in terms of what I expose to myself, and how I expose it. I must now make a commitment to just write, ill change the way I do forgiveness, and instead focus more on writing myself out, and properly exposing myself to myself. I direct myself to write out my constructs in detail, and to not participate in worry or anxiety to get my forgiveness ‘done’. I commit myself to clear out my shit, and to not do it half arsed.

I have always done things in a half arsed manner, never choosing to go beyond the bare minimum, never wanting to move beyond that threshold and to that point where something was expected of me.

This is how it started I think, people would begin expecting things of me, good things, and I would perform for the most part, but then something or someone else would take over, they would surpass me completely, and there would be absolutely no way that I could catch up or regain my position within a classroom or on the playground. This made me feel so helpless, it made me go to a point where I just gave up trying to be special, but being special made me feel good, so I tried to be special in another way, in a more passive way; thinking to myself that I will wait to be ‘recognised’ instead. Thinking that if I am not recognised and given recognition then I am actually not worth anything, and feeling that even if it was just one person in the whole wide world who saw me as being as holding a special power, or being superior, then  it would all be worth it.

But then of course when this point would come, I would acknowledge it, relish in the feeling, and in the same moment crave more and move on to something else that will make someone else think the same thought processes of me; that ‘wow, he is special’. I would laugh at this pattern if it was not so sad.

Even now, underlying all my thought processes, and actions in the world, I clearly see my desire to be recognised, and I actively enforce it through daydreams and the same passive actions I have always engaged with. 

I have enjoyed just writing like this! More to come, as it comes,