27-2-11 - Being annoyed at my sister whenever she asks me to stop doing something, like playing a game, I get very angry, to the point where I just don’t acknowledge her. This pattern has been going on for a long time since my youth, saying to myself, I don’t want to do it now, I want to do it later, fighting with whoever or whatever is being asked of me, and always putting it off for another time, always thinking that what I am doing now supersedes what I have to do and what is here for me to be done now. Always saying no, ALWAYS THINKING LATER. Allowing this to affect other parts of my life, always acting by this reasoning of slower is better, later is better. Secretly not wanting to have to deal with it at all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in annoyance at my sister for asking me to turn the game off. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a negative reaction of not saying anything when I am asked to do something, I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that I was stable and centred for not saying anything when in reality I was inwardly reacting and feeding this mind bubble. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have participated in this pattern from a very young age, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought ‘I don’t want to do this now, I want to do it later’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in fighting with whoever was asking me to do whatever it was that needed to be done. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the judgement ‘no it does not need to be done now’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the action and desire of wanting to leave it for another time, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to the belief that what I am doing now takes priority over what has to be done now in this moment. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by these actions of putting things off till later. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought ‘NO, I WOULD RATHER DO IT LATER’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let this affect other areas of my life to the extent that with everything I do, I will put off. I forgive myself for allowing myself to define myself according to the need to put things off. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that slower is better, I forgive myself for using this idea of slowness as a justification for not doing things. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from myself the fact that I secretly don’t want to do anything at all. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by these constructs. I direct myself to observe whenever this pattern arises, to stand equal too and one with it, to breathe through it, and to get whatever needs to be done, done. Until this pattern is no longer, and until I am practically moving in this world as an expression of myself as what is best for all as one, and not the mind which I have come to accept and allow.
Being pissed off at being so crap at dragon age, thinking to myself that I am a looser because I cant even decently win fights without vastly struggling. Viewing this as a reflection of how ‘crap’ I am in reality. My desire to just for once be ‘good’ at something. To get my rogue up to scratch. And then thinking/feeling that I should just play on easy and enjoy the actual game, but then behind this thinking that I am not as good as all those other players that do it ‘properly’. Then being upset at this. Lol. It was a very hard series of emotions to go through
26/2/11 – Went for an interview yesterday, I always finding myself getting nervous when they ask me questions, and I always try and put on this confident smile, mixed with subtle interest, when in reality I am just looking to get the job, as a volunteer or otherwise. The lady who was there also said she would contact me with details, but she still has not done this; I find myself going into the same thought patterns of paranoia that I have always participated in, like ‘she must of thought that I was crap, she must of thought that the way I answered ‘that’ question was unsatisfactory. She must of thought badly of me for not wanting to ask any questions! Damn, im not even going to get a volunteer position, sad face, then I ‘look up’ and think to myself, ‘it was probably going to be crap anyway, and this means it will free me up to get that job that I always wanted.’
So I go through this swinging action of depression to hope, and this is how I always see myself doing this throughout my life, in any and every situation. And to think it all started off in my head, with the smallest projection, or the smallest ‘lack of’ action, not actually knowing anything about the situation I always tend to ‘fill in’ the blanks. First with negative and then with positive imagery.s
There are also many reactions towards my dad, whom I always hate when he says certain things, when he does things, when he speaks things, I always allow myself to think it is him
25/2/11 – Experienced a random act of verbal violence today, this is not the first time it has happened. And I react by going into a shell. Where I make it appear as if I did not hear them, or am ignoring them, and just continue walking. It is only after the fact that I start to experience the actual fear, all the what if’s come into my mind, and I start to worry; paranoia sets in and I start thinking about the safety of my family, thinking it was so close to my house, what if they know where I live and come back, but with more people. This fear of physical violence being perpetrated against me, or my family, frightens me. And the strange thing is, this will happened every so often, like once every six months, I was in my head a lot before and as this was happening. Is this trying to tell me something? Some sort of cycle showing me something? Showing me what|?
24/2/11- It’s a warm sunny day, and the urge to go out and get high is upon me again, the thought ‘what will I do when im outside in this weather, what will I do without green?’. I participate in the belief that one ‘happy’ days like these, green makes me even happier.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought ‘I want green because it is a nice sunny day’. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be limited by these thoughts of green and happiness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that because it is a sunny day, it is a happy day. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by ideas of happiness and light. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought ‘what else will I do outside in this weather, there is nothing that I would want to do more than to smoke green. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in this self limiting belief. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that on days like these the best thing to do is get high. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by these thought and beliefs and desires.
The thought that I just want time to speed up, so that I can show to myself that I will not be tempted to masturbate
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought that I want time to speed up so that I can show myself that I will not be tempted by masturbation. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by the desire to ‘fight against me and my sexual energies’
Thought of my penis touching a vagina playfully, and becoming arouse by this thought, after having seen it in a porno, where a woman playfully came into contact with her male protagonist and their genitalia made contact. I found this to be ‘stimulating’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in excitement and energy at the image of vagina playfully touching cock. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by excitement and energy at this playful attitude towards sex. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in masturbation thereafter. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by this stimulation, I forgive myself for allowing myself to let this thought and image have power over me.
When I see a girl smiling at me, I assume she is laughing at me, or in some cases flirting with me, but mostly laughing, I can remember doing this since quite a long time ago. Must source original memory
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