Ego and Humbleness

5-6/2/11- The thought that I will always remain uncommitted, looking at my life, the pattern has always been dropping rather than seeing something through to the end, I see this within everything I’ve ever done. The thought that I will give up on this process soon, because ‘that is how it is for me’, every project I’ve ever done has flat lined eventually – I would walk away from it and move onto something else, I always ended up quitting before I’ve ever begun. There will always be some excuse that comes up, I’ll get ‘bored’, or I will formulate some elaborate reason to quit, or I will brilliantly self justify just taking a ‘break’ for a while for ‘having been so diligent’ – and then never come back. I fear this will happen to my process of self honesty and self forgiveness. I must remind myself consistently and constantly that this is about me stopping the mind, and that it does not even come close to all the other ‘things’ I have participated in; I must show to myself that I can be absolutely selfishly committed to Myself, im gonna face me one way or another, I know this through experience, no matter which way you turn your head, no matter what distraction is used, no matter what voyage or holiday you go on, you’ll always end up being in your own face, sooner or later.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by the belief that I will always remain ‘uncommitted’. I forgive myself for allowing myself to define myself according to the pattern of ‘not seeing things through’. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define my life action through this repeating pattern of just ‘giving up’. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in the thought that I will give up on this process. I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in the belief that I should quit before I get ahead. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define myself according to self justifications on giving up, I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in justifications like, ‘im getting bored of this’, or allowing myself to formulate an elaborate mind excuse to not continue, for allowing myself to believe that I am taking a ‘break’ from being committed then using this as a precursor to discontinuing. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be participate in the fear of this happening to my process of self honesty and self forgiveness. I direct myself to realise that this process is about ultimately stopping the mind in all its infinite manifestations and that sooner or later I will realise that it has to be stopped one way or another, either by death and the ending of my physical existence, or by my own choice and with my own hand. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by and to participate in the thought that this is just another one of those ‘fads’ that I participated in, it does not even come close. I direct myself to show myself that I can be committed to myself completely and wholly, and that inevitably I will face me one way or another, for not matter which way I turn my head, I will always be in my own face, and drugging myself into forgetting myself will only ever be temporary, I direct myself to realise that I have known this through direct experience.

I still hold onto a lot of hidden anxiety about loosing the house in 3 years, the thoughts will come up occasionally and be very potent and hard hitting when they do come, they arrive with a sinking feeling in my chest. I see that I do still worry about it a lot, lots of survival issues that I need to bring out. Fear of losing place to live, fear of having no money/not enough money, fear of not having enough food, fear of having possessions taken away, fear of bills and payments, fear of having people come around the house and take everything away, that’s all for now. There is a strong desire to simply make this all go away, this is an operating basis from which I have been acting without realising it i.e. in regards to getting a job and money, and wishing the problems away

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to still hold onto and participate in the deep fear of loosing the house I am living in, I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by that deep and potent sinking feeling in my chest when these thoughts do occasionally come up within me. I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in this worry, I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by the fear of losing my physical place to live, I forgive myself for allowing myself to define myself according to the fear of losing/not having enough money. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by the fear of not having enough food; in my life there has always been ‘enough’ food. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in and define myself according to the fear of having people come around to my house and take away all my possessions and those of my families. I forgive myself for defining myself according to the strong desire to just make all this go away by ‘becoming rich/having money. I forgive myself for allowing myself to base my current actions upon this hidden fear/hope polarity. I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in thoughts of ‘wishing my problems away’. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by these deeply ingrained hidden fear/beliefs. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by these deeply held thoughts. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by these projections, hopes, desires, and wishes.

There is a certain man that rouses a reaction of fear in me, paranoia response, the son of the local priest, who knows me and my family, who seems to want to try and catch me out so that the finger can be pointed and all will ‘know’ about me. I always find myself trying to be coldly calculating with my words, trying to subtly tell him to fuck off while also telling him to go shove his culture and beliefs up his arse, always trying to play ‘liberal card’ on him. He makes me angry sometimes, but I ALWAYS respond and converse with ear to ear smiles and laughs, fuck. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in a fear response to the local priests son, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by the perception that he want to catch me out so that everyone will ‘know’ about me. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in the belief that I should calculate what I say to him, I forgive myself for allowing myself to define myself according to the desire to make him fuck off, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in the desire to subtly let him know who I ‘really’ am, I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by the need to communicate to him that he can go shove his culture and beliefs up his arse, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in the belief that I must always play the ‘liberal card’ with him. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in hidden anger responses to his words, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in the action of giving out ear to ear smiles and fake political laughs at his words, hints, and actions. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by this personality design of outer niceness and inner badness.

Perceivable ‘breaks’ in my reality, this is what I miss when I stay up with myself. That I do not wish to live in one continuous stretch, why does this send me into sadness/chaos/conflict, to the point of turning away and into my pillow? The accepted thought that reality as such is too much, dreams and sleep fill the gap; okay (Hsin Hsin Ming Talk No.10/Osho – very useful). This has been identified as a strong point, which must stop; progress must be made with this.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by the very strong desire/need to have perceivable breaks in my reality, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by fear of living in continuous stretch of awareness, I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that I need these breaks to ‘keep my sanity’. I direct myself to stop this until there is no longer a fear/anxiety response at staying up with myself.

The way one of the people at my careers group treats others people is disgusting, I turn away, and secretly think better him than me, but then anger at her arises, thoughts of ‘she is such a bitch’, ‘I hope she would just go away’. The way she laughed as she left the door after having physically abused one of the people there, disgusted me, is this what I am a part of, am I equally to blame? Yes. I really hate her for doing that, and I am really ashamed at myself for allowing it, not only allowing it, but supporting it.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in feelings of disgust at the behaviour of one in my careers group. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by the need to turn away. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in anger at her when she leaves. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in thoughts like ‘she is such a bitch’ and ‘I hope she would just ‘go away’’. I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in hatred and disgust when she laughed as she went away after physically abusing one of the members of the group. I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in the feeling-thought combination of ‘better him than me’, I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by the shame of participating in such thoughts. I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see myself as equal and one with her, I forgive myself for allowing myself to wish to separate myself from her behaviour. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting these thoughts to exist within and as me, I also forgive myself for allowing and accepting as well as supporting this whole mind structure. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by these feelings, thoughts, hidden emotions, and beliefs.

Fear of desteni as a cult. When I hear something or read about something that is cult related, or that puts the desteni community into a frame of view in which I start judging them and Bernard as ‘architects’ of some sort of brainwashing; then I remember it is brainwashing, absolutely undisguised, lol. And then I just go back to writing and self forgiveness, for all of the things I have come across in life, for all my wanting to dissolve my ego and gain enlightenment, there was not one practical method for doing so that took everything else into account.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by the feeling of fear of desteni being a cult. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into thought response whenever I read or hear something about cults and immediately apply it to the desteni group and what it stands for. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in fear judgement of Bernard as being some sort of grand architect that has some poisonous ulterior motive. I forgive myself for not allowing myself to fully realise that the tools provided are the most practical that I have come across in stopping the mind in all its manifestations.

My projection that one of the guys does not like me either because he thinks im a smart ass, or is secretly jealous that I am more ‘intellectual’ than he is, this projection came about when he was answering a question and I could see that he was trying to put on a façade of being smart, I saw this because I participate in the same action myself. My other perception that he must hate me because he does not like the way I smile, my own perception of me is that I do not like the way I smile and laugh, and that if I was observing myself I would be annoyed too

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in the thought projection of ‘that guy does not like me because he must think I am smarter than him’. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in this projection as a response to the trigger of believing him to ‘try’ to ‘appear’ intellectual when he was answering a question; I forgive myself for immediately judging him on this point for the past memory of myself allowing me to participate in the same self glorifying mind tactics. I forgive myself for allowing myself to project onto him what I see and acted as within myself. I forgive myself for also allowing and accepting myself to participate in the belief that he must hate me because he does not like the way I smile and laugh, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by my own dislike of my smile and my laugh, I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in the belief that if I saw me smiling and laughing, I too would get annoyed. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by these thoughts, projections, beliefs, and past memory imprints.

When I answer questions I do it from a point of wanting to look and be superior, I also wish to gain favour from those in positions of influence and power, I observe that others must see this quite clearly, and so I also have the perception that they must be annoyed at/with me; forcing me to add another personality protection layer of attempting to look humble, or mixing in ego action, with moments of humility. This must stop

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by the desire to look and be superior when I answer questions in class rooms or anywhere, I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined to this pattern from a very early age in primary school. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in and be defined by the desire to gain the favour from those in positions of influence or power. I just now remembered feeling really ‘good’ about myself when a teacher would give me positive attention. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in the desire to get teachers to give me their positive attention. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by the desire to gain positive attention. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by an aversion to negative attention. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in the perception that people around must notice this and must thus be annoyed at me. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to in response to this add another layer of personality to my interactions, in this case, humbleness. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a self proclaimed master of mixing egoic attention seeking with masterful displays of artificial humbleness.. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by egoic attention seeking, I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by the ‘need’ to ‘balance’ this out with false gestures of humbleness. I forgive myself for allowing myself form and be defined by these personality traits based on desires, thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions.

Slept in two chunks of 3 hours and 3 hours, is it easier to be with body? For the moment, Yes. The amount of time spent in sleep appears to be getting less as I expected it too. Will see where it levels out, there is still mind participation/thought, but it seems easier to identify and stop when it comes. (Added in) Slept for a couple of hours during the day, was great, really restful, minor grogginess though.

When I am out on the road and I am dressed in anything but my ‘normal’ dress code, I experience nervousness at people looking at me, this also occurs with oncoming traffic, and buses especially due to the sheer number of people, the thought races through my mind, ‘are they laughing at me?’. Hmm.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in self and pre programmed beliefs about what is considered to be normal dress code. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in feelings of nervousness at the idea of people looking at me, I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in nervousness and paranoia at oncoming traffic and buses that go past me or are ‘stopped’ next to me. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by the belief that they must think I ‘look funny’. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in the thought ‘are they looking at me?’ I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by these thoughts, I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by these feelings, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by these beliefs.

When my brother comes around, I find myself going into repetitive patterns of behaviour, this is based around my desire to seek attention from him, something I have been doing and remember since I was a youth, even though I now question it, I still participate in it, hovering around him when he is around, watching tv, playing games, talking, just participating in this personality based behaviour. I find myself thinking a lot more, like I am pushing myself into thinking more, like what I say, and how to say it when I am around him, to calculate my speech and actions. It seems I am still holding onto subconscious feelings of fear around him, so I create myself accordingly, thinking to myself that I do not want to make myself a threat; this would also explain why sometimes I unconsciously make a fool out of him or put him on the spot (despite the fact that I immediately become aware of what I have said/done when I finish participating in whatever action/scenario/moment I have become involved in. I immediately think ‘why the fuck did I say that? Shit’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by the behaviour of going into repetitive mind patterns when my brother comes around to my house, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by the desire to seek attention from him, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by past memories of accepted and allowed behaviours. I forgive myself for participating in the action of hovering around him when he is around, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into mind modes of watching tv, playing games, talking, and generally operating from personality designs. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in thought more when he is around, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by thoughts that I must watch what I say, I must calculate my words and my actions. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define myself according to the belief that I don’t want to appear a threat, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by the desire to not want to be hurt verbally or physically by him. I forgive myself thus for subversively participating in unconscious ‘fun-making’ of him, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to unconsciously put him ‘on the spot’ in front of family or friends. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by the regret I feel towards this. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by these personality designs and behaviours, as well as past memories, beliefs, fears, and subconscious retaliations.

Fear that he will read this and feel offended after seeing that I am writing a blog, thought and desire for him not to read what I am writing

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by the fear I feel at the thought of him reading this blog, especially this particular part of it. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in the fear/thought of’ ‘what will he think if he read this?’ I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by a desire for him not to read this. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by these fears, paranoia, beliefs, and the perception of the judgement of others.

Fear of going to see Alan because he makes me feel uncomfortable, fear of him telling my younger brother something I wouldn’t want him to know, I get anxious because he speaks with a lot of energy behind his words, he is very convicted in his beliefs on designs like evolution and creation. His voice is very loud, this unsettles me. Whenever I am around him I force myself to sit and talk to him, and try to see if I can remain stable, although it is never the case, and I will always end up escaping through personality design

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by feelings of being uncomfortable around Alan. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in the thought ‘what if he tells my younger brother something I wouldn’t want him to know. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in anxiousness towards the energy to which he speaks with, I forgive myself for allowing myself to be moved into thought, action, and words by energy. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by an uneasiness I feel towards the strengths of his convictions and beliefs. I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in anxiousness at the occasional loudness of his voice, I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by the feeling of being unsettled. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by the belief that when I am around him I ‘must’ atleast talk to him to see if I can remain stable around him, I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in secret pity towards him and his life. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by the shame I feel towards having accepted and allowed that thought/belief structure to exist within and as me. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to simply revert to personality around him, I forgive myself for allowing myself to avoid responsibility of actual real communication that takes place with mind or personality. I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in these thoughts, beliefs, perceptions, judgements, and energies, I forgive myself for defining myself according to these points.