13/2/11 - With family today, those that I have not seen in a long time due to political differences between our families, there were lots of those long and uncomfortable silences, with me umming and ahhing, even I saw how uncomfortable I was making it. The conversation would just be nervous talk; there were a lot of moments with my sister, it was very close relationship stuff like embracing and kissing – like after a long time out of touch, there were quite a few weird moments with her as well though, she came in and told me that I had done something politically incorrect, and that I should not have hugged my nieces because they were ‘coming of age’ and stuff like physical contact between opposing sexes is strictly forbidden according to stuff like Islamic scriptures. I felt a bit weirded out, but I really just wanted to say how much I disagree with the whole construct.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that there are political differences between my family and my sisters family, i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the construct of political differences. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the construct of long uncomfortable silences. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the physical distraction method of umming and ahhing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the mind action of trying to be ‘somewhere else’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the personality system of ‘nervous chit chat’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in awkwardness of close contact with my sister. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in feelings of weirdness with my sister. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in feelings of awkwardness at my sisters families views. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in personality constructs when I am around my sisters and their families.
There was lots of jealousy of my nephew as well, he seems to be doing things that I always wanted to do, but never had the ‘balls’ too, like travelling by himself, or just ‘making good’. I got jealous at the fact that he is starting to become and independent man and I am still trying to get a job. Almost like I emasculated myself, meaning that I was operating by male construct in terms of ego building- in this case it was the ‘independence mind demon’ which says I am a nobody unless I am by myself doing it for myself. I never saw that.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in jealousy of my nephew. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to participate in the thought ‘he is doing things that I always wanted to do’ and ‘he is doing it better’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that he is becoming a man by becoming independent, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must not let him ‘beat me’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have emasculated myself and that there is such a thing as emasculation. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by the male ego construct of having to be better and bigger and brighter and more super than the man sitting next to and opposite me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief and thought that I must be an independent man to show that I am worth something. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to the desire to show that I am worth something.
When my brother in law subtly says I should lose weight by ‘going on a three day fast’. I get annoyed. I even entertain the idea, then I get self conscious about my weight and appearance again, and then suddenly im twice as ugly as before when I glance in the mirror, and then I find myself doing exercise. And then I think im a looser because I have not got a job. All of this compounds upon itself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take on the point of fasting and loosing weight within and as me every time my brother in law brings it up as a subtle issue. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in feelings of annoyance. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this as a trigger point for a thought flurry of becoming self conscious about my weight, I forgive myself for then accepting and allowing myself to judge my appearance and weight, I further forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts of being twice as ugly as I perceived myself to be before, and then to exercise to make myself look beautiful. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the construct of ugly and beautiful. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by ideas of ugly and beautiful. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to round it all off by inwardly stating to myself within and as me that I am a looser because I don’t even have a job. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be participate in these reactions, and be defined by these thoughts, judgements, beliefs, perceptions, and ideas about myself.
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