Liberation of just putting it all out there

Slept from 8:06 to 12, was alright, am still here. I am hungry and I need to go for a pee, yet there is so much resistance to getting up and just pissing and eating, goddamn. Such a simple set of tasks yet because of my belief about the time and temperature, I say to myself ‘no just wait’, im doing this now. I managed to successfully get up and cook myself a meal, I am slowly beginning to notice a shift in how I ‘view’ time and sleeping, I no longer feel like its weird getting up at early early hours. Yay? We will have to see if this continues, so far I’ve only ever had successful streaks of two days, and this is day 3 of my self commitment to stop.

Another important side note is that with 4 hours I am finding it incredibly easy to stop participating in alternate mind dimensions, and if I ever do go into them, it is not a struggle to get out. I will write more as I find it.

It is now just before 4 am and I find myself participating in the belief that ‘now is around the time that I get tired’ and generally this is where I nod off again, I am trying to force myself to stay up as I’ve already had four hours and know that I am not tired, for as soon as I get up and walk around everything is alright, its just laying in bed, being comforted by the warmth that triggers my wanting to ‘rest some more’. I am clearly operating from a starting point of future projected guilt from the fear of ‘falling’ into sleep, I do not allow myself to motivate myself by guilt, I stay up with myself because it is a natural expression of self to be with self for all hours of the day, and I know that by wanting to ‘just rest some more’ I am actually secretly trying to say ‘I would like some more time away from myself’. No way

I forgive myself for allowing myself to not want to stay with myself through all hours of the day, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by the nausea and terror I feel at the thought and idea of always ‘being in my own face’. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not wish to go to sleep from the starting point of guilt, I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in fear of falling asleep

Whether I failed or not is irrelevant right now, I slept an extra 3.5 hours from 4 to 7:30 by my own choice (admittedly it was only supposed to be 1:30 minutes but it naturally stretched to 2, and then ‘laziness and warmth’ pushed it to 3.5, and with absolute certainty, the amount of guilt I experienced, was a mere refraction. My process is my own  and im going to do this step by step, is already day 3 and I am cutting my sleep into two segments, I am changing the way I look at sleeping, so shit, im making damn good progress I think, I’m stopping hoping, because its all on me!

(Edit) Having slept again in the morning as noted above, I see that throughout my day it was not easy to stop participation in alternate mind dimension, it seems like it was harder. Will try once tonight, or maybe even just two really small blocks to see what is best for me.

Jealousy of the sexual prowess of specific people over my ‘limited’ experience, I find myself going into an energetic reaction sometimes when I think about it, its not a nice feeling, the thought that I will never really be able to get it like other people I know would, my thinking on this is that it will always come down to my appearance, this is why I subversively try to appear cool, despite the fact that I know deep down that I do not achieve this affect. Very liberating writing this down, I don’t think I have ever met with such resistance to nearly every sentence I wrote down. BRILLIANT!  

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in jealousy of other people who have greater sexual prowess than me, I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by feelings of ‘being less than’ for being a virgin most of my life, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be caught into pre-programmed belief structures around sex. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into energetics of jealousy when I perceive someone who is just ‘great at sex’, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define myself according to the thought that I will never ‘get it’ like everyone else. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in the belief that I will never get a girlfriend. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define myself as a looser because of these accepted and allowed belief structures around sex and relationships. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by the belief that I am ugly and this is why nobody will ever ‘like’ me. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in all of these relationship and sex structures. I forgive myself for subversively trying to appear cool as a polarity balancing act to the judgements about my appearance.

Memories from my youth of being called an ‘honest’ and ‘nice’ guy, how I responded to this was with the thought ‘geez, thanks!’ and then the subsequent thought that ‘im taking this on board and making it a part of myself’; this was one of my earliest memories of being recognised for being ‘nice’ and just being ‘recognised’ in general *there was the way my brother looked at me also, as if he saw through me and the situation (he kind of gave this ‘smile’), I remember registering and then ignoring this and just going with what the crowd were saying, should of listened to him. One of the first times I consciously remember choosing to form a (key) part of my allowed personality design

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to base my personality design on perceptions of being ‘honest’ and ‘nice’. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define myself around the words that I heard as a youth from another youth that I was  the an honest and nice guy. I forgive myself for allowing myself in that moment to decide consciously to take it on board and make it a part of myself. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by the belief ‘this is a trait that I like, because I like the responses I am getting from it’. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define myself according to the action of being ‘recognised’, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define myself according to the desire to be ‘recognised’. I forgive myself for not allowing myself to in that moment realise that my brother had seen this whole situation quantumly, almost as if he saw what was going on in my head, and that I had also seen that he had seen through this whole game of personality, I forgive myself for not allowing myself to wake in that moment and I direct myself to utilise others as mirrors so that when this same observation-realisation occurs again, I can stop before I take on yet another personality design/trait. There are already too many. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by this personality base design.

I have thoughts of hatred towards young black people, I think it was because I was robbed by a group of them as a youth, this is not to say I hate all people with dark skin, just the thug-like ones, in my mind I compare them to orcs from lord of the rings, savages in the way they speak and dress. Needless to say this is quite a shameful belief to participate in, I almost did not write this down, totally unacceptable.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by a fear/hatred of black people, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by a fear of black people. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by past memory impressions of how I was robbed by a group of Somalians. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to hold onto and define myself according to the deep fear and pain I felt at those events. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to subsequently define all young black people as being the same thug like representations that I saw that day. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in the comparison of these people and orcs from lord of the rings. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in judgements on the way young black people speak and dress. I forgive myself for allowing myself to almost not write these points out.

The way people dress and speak, especially posh people, and my reactions to them, of inferiority, as if I somehow need to ‘prove’ myself to them

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in feelings of inferiority when I see a well dressed white woman. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by the belief that I must be a slave to their every whim because they are better than me. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define myself according to the belief that white people are superior to me in all ways; especially pretty white women, ahhhhhhhhhhhh! LOL! I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define myself according to these beliefs, self judgements, external judgements related to skin colour and ‘class’. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in ideas of ‘class’, I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by this idea of class, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in nervousness when I am around middle or upper class white people. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by these feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and self judgements.

My embarrassing daydreams, they have to be put out there now, I just cant stand it anymore, the level of embarrassment I feel when I look at myself and what I allow as day dreams. So, all the way while walking to and from my career group I fantasised about being a saviour of homeless people, taking them in, looking after them, splitting my money with them, and then having all my friends know or ‘find out’ about it. This is pure madness. Ill make up elaborate fantasies where I take in a black male homeless person and then a white female heroine addict, and basically become their saviour, where I place myself as an all humble, totally honest, ‘super’ human being O_o This construct has to go.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself fantasize about being the saviour of people in incredible ‘life distress’, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in these self glorifying daydreams, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define myself according to self glorification. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define myself according to where I participate in daydreams centred around bringing in homeless people with drug addictions and helping them to get back on their feet, although this would actually be an act that considers all as equal and one the fact that I am daydreaming it and starting from a point of self interested self glorification brings it down to the level of the problem itself, which we are trying to solve collectively and individually. So, no more of this, I direct myself to act practically with what is real here, and to not simply imagine doing it, I direct myself to make equality and oneness a living truth within myself instead of just always trying to imagine it! I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in such alternate mind dimensions, I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realise that actually living equality and oneness will start off very difficult and be nigh impossible, until I can get to a point of self honesty with no resistances to anything that I find within me, and until I can stand up as the living word, in conjunction with direct practical common sense action.

I have a food addiction, it has been with me since I can remember and has been used as a form of escape from what has been judged as a crap day/life (also including boredom, sadness, depression, happiness). After today at the career group I find myself asking, shall I get chicken?! ‘No’ I say to myself, ‘not today’, but regardless of whether or not I think I have eaten something ‘bad’ I will always punish myself by doing atleast some exercise to ‘balance it out’. Even right now after having noodles and lentils and a few rice crackers and feeling ‘really’ full, my mind wanders about how to self punish, like ‘for this you have to stay up all night and only get 3 hours of sleep, or you have to do 30 minutes of exercise tmrw in the morning!’. I never really questioned this pattern properly before today.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by an addiction to taste, I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by taste, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to use taste sense-pleasure to get away from what I perceived to be a crappy life/day. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in perceptions and beliefs of having a crappy day, I forgive myself for allowing myself to come to this conclusion by comparing my life with that of others, with what they had, and what I didn’t have. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define myself according to ‘lack’. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in self judgement as the thought ‘I should not eat that, and I have already eaten’, I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by the belief and subsequent action of doing exercise after and before eating to warrant said eating. I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that eating is an action that is for the body, I direct myself to feed my body what it needs to sustain itself, I direct myself to remove the element of taste from my decision of what to eat, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in the belief that ‘it will be bloody hard to cut myself off from taste’. I direct myself to take this process of breaking my taste addiction one breath at a time, this does not mean I should stop eating what I eat, rather it means that I must change who I am within the eating so that my starting point is not one of taste-delight. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in self punishment in the form of ‘you will now only get 3 hours of sleep for eating so much food! And you must do atleast thirty minutes of hard exercise to burn off the calories. I direct myself to stop all such self punishments. Stop