9/2/11 – I am currently experiencing a sadness at not being in a relationship, there is a strong desire to just be with someone, to have a support for my ego, someone to fuck me, and who will allow me to fuck myself. I remember this feeling from long ago, it was very prominent then, and it is only subtle now but has come up strongly today. For instance when a girl I like or have created a energetic relationship where in my mind I am close to her, I will actually start worrying when they break up a routine that they have stuck by – and that I have formed of them, I get very anxious when they for instance do not turn up where and when they are supposed to. I go into fear and paranoia responses, and create scenarios of possible murder and rape. And then I compound and compound until I just forget that I ever went through this self created self manifested experience. For instance when they suddenly come through the door, I am not even appeased for a split second, not even a moment before I go onto the next thought of ‘I wonder why they are late, why do look so down? What happened to them? is she alright? I hope she is alright, god I just want to talk to her now and know that everything is ok!’ Today this happened, it is quite an extensive pattern, and I have seen it a lot in my past interactions with girls that I ‘liked’. A note: if it was a girl that I did not like, I would not give a shit, even if the worst were to happen. That is so fucked. SO FUCKED, I will not allow this to continue, I cannot.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in feelings of strong desire to be with someone and to be in a relationship, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to secretly desire relationships while outwardly trying to appear aloof. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to prop up my ego with a support, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to the need to have someone fuck me, and to have one who will allow me to fuck myself. I forgive myself for allowing all past manifestations of this and for allowing past to influence me when these same patterns come up. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can be ‘close’ to a girl emotionally after very short while. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my personality design on ideas of being close to or not being to close to a woman/girl. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the further personality mind manifestation of going into patterns and thought behaviours of worry and paranoia. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive and define according to certain patterns I see in their behaviour and actions, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be erred when they break with this perceived/imagined pattern. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in anxiousness when they do not turn up where and when they were supposed to. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in daydreams and scenarios of possible murder and rape.. I forgive myself for my past actions of accepting and allowing myself to simply repress these feelings at the end of the day and ‘move on’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately go into further thought compounding when they come through the door with new thoughts of worry and anxiousness like ‘I wonder why she is late, why does she look so down, what happened to her, is she alright, I hope she is alright, god I just want to talk to her now and know that everything is ok!. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base myself on this extensive pattern whenever a girl I like appears and then disappears. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I commit an act of gross inequalty when I seemingly ‘care’ for this individual but if something like one of the scenarios or worse were to happen to another girl, I would not give a shit. Unacceptable. I direct myself to stop all this bullshit. I direct myself to search for the defining memory/root point and forgive and stand up from
A side note, when I have finished my day, especially after relationship pangs, I will create loads of daydreams with happy endings, and the thing is they will actually appease me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create pleasurable daydreams after days where I have felt yearnings to be in a relationship. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be appeased by them. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in. I direct myself to stand one too and equal to them and to simply stop them by breath, I direct myself to see how unbelievably useless they are to my existence.
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