3/2/11- I slept between 8 and 2, on and off, it was less than six hours as I spent a few moments awake which culminated in an hour or two, I awoke naturally, it was the same level of image and thought participation as usual, nothing surprising, it is still hard work. But I am firmly committed to work only with ‘that which is’ i.e. the physical. Will report how the rest of day goes.
I noticed something yesterday, that I had the urge to ‘share’ lots of knowledge and information which I thought was ‘cool’. I also had energetic responses to conversational topics about secret societies and freemasonry, secretly thinking that I ‘know’ more,
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by the urge to share the information and knowledge I have accumulate in my life. I forgive myself for allowing myself to define myself according to this knowledge. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by energetic responses to topics about secret societies and freemasonry, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I ‘know more’.
My neighbour’s bigger car, my judgements of their family, rationalisations like ‘they will get what’s coming to them! Bunch of Turkish thugs!’
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in thought desire reaction at our neighbours car, leading to the thought of ‘I wish we had a car like that’, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in the judgement ‘they will get what’s coming to them’, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define myself according to the belief that they are ‘Turkish thugs’
Thoughts that I will Always be richer than raj, in money or in ‘inner riches’, where I identify myself with my process and glean self worth from it
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by the thought that I will always be richer than raj, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by the belief that I will always have more ‘inner riches’ than him. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define myself according to the self worth I glean from identifying with my process of stopping mind. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in the idea that there can be such things as inner riches, I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe in this thought of point of separation.
Anxiety about what I ‘wish’ to do for a job, and what will be presented to me. I must stop all interpretations and judgements.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by the desire to follow a certain career path. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by anxiety towards what ever will come my way
Fear that if I turn to the side in my bed, I will fall asleep, slight guilt at having slept.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by the fear that if I turn to the side I will fall asleep, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fall asleep without awareness, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by a small amount of guilt at waking up, I direct myself to stop all participation in guilt, as it arises, because it is Mind.
Daydreams of self sacrifice/hero complex
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in daydreams where I self sacrifice myself to save everyone else, I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by this saviour complex, I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by a hero complex. I forgive myself for allowing these thoughts, projections, desires, and alternate mind dimensions define who I am, I direct myself to stop all of these mind participations, and I direct myself to source the ultimate reason behind them and forgive those point accordingly.
A note, having slept in a small chunk, I feel like I am a little bit more in the body, as if to say it is a little bit easier to sift out the real from the unreal, this was not the case when I first woke up after the six hours though, there was a lot of participation in thought then and it was quite difficult to get stable. This will be day 2 in my commitment to stop mind participation and change my perspective on sleeping and sex and energy plays, and everything! It is pretty much how it started, hard work; but im still here.
Felt like I was in primary school again, getting ‘bullied’ by the girls, worrying about what other guys were thinking about me, I said something in total personality possession about ‘that’ group being too ‘ghetto’ compared to the one I was in, a girl reacted quite fiercely by threatening to hang me out the window by my ankles, she was looking at me very strongly without breaking eye contact, and I felt those hot spikes going through out my body, and found myself repeatedly saying ‘was joking, was joking, was joking’ before it all cooled down after a while, participated in thoughts of ‘how to get back into her good books?’. The thought that I was blindly following was to just agree with her and find some common ground, as well as being nice to her and be absolutely courteous. All of this was one massive mind fuck from start to finish; on the way home up to the point of having a shower was all one big mind trip where I fucked myself with fantasies. This point that came up with her also brought back early memories of being bullied by people in school.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by past memories of being bullied by people, especially girls, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in more of a hurt feeling when girls would bully me in school, I forgive myself for allowing myself to define myself according to the pain and significance I would attach to this. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in fear of what Steven was thinking of me, I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by the belief that he hated/hates me. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in partial personality possession in saying the judging statement that certain people were ‘ghetto’. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in ‘energy spikes’ where I would get a hot flush and my eyes would water. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to escape the situation with yet another personality design of saying ‘jokes, jokes, jokes’. I forgive myself for later allowing and accepting myself to participate in anger projections toward her. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define myself according to the belief that I must get back into her ‘good books’. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in the belief that I should just agree with her to avoid further conflict, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in the belief that I must be absolutely courteous to her. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in a constant fantasy on the way back home and up to the point that I got into the shower; I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by past memory imprints of being bullied and allowing them to secretly influence and manifest in my current existence within mind systems. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by these thoughts, beliefs, fears, judgements, emotions of anger, projections, personality designs and frameworks, ideas and perceptions surrounding the word ghetto, and participation in alternate mind dimensions of fantasies and daydreams where I would ‘balance out’ the energies. I forgive myself for allowing myself to define myself according to this balancing out of self created energies. I stop all energy participation as it appears before me, and as I see it through direct realisation.
Daydreams of being a super hotshot business man who answers ‘only to the boss’
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define myself according to daydreams and fantasies based around being the number one business hotshot lol, I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in these alternate mind dimensions
Thoughts of being higher and lower to other people.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in beliefs of being lower or higher than people, I forgive myself for allowing myself to use the persons knowledge, intellect, financial grounding, looks, skin colour, and behaviour to judge whether they are higher or lower than me; I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by these points
Until now I have had a fear of people reading my blog, discovering things about me that under the guise of personality, I would never let out or uncover, but the need to have feedback is vital if this is to be successful and I am to stop this bullshit once and for all.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in a fear of blogging, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in the feeling reaction of fear at the thought of other peoples feedback and responses, I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that this is a vital step in exposing myself to myself and that writing everyday for ‘my eyes only’ is not enough to make this work effectively.
Thanks, Zak
2/2/11 - Today was hard work, I make the directive statement that there would be no more voluntary mind participation and that I would stop it in every moment through breath work and self forgiveness as well as exposing myself to myself through writing. I also agreed upon the point of no masturbation for three months, as well as making the solid conviction to change my attitude towards sleep, in fact changing myself through changing the way I view sleep, in fact trying to get it to a point where it is just seen as ‘rest for the human physical body’. I intend to do this in two small chunks, with no aversion to sleeping for a small period of time. To stop mind projections, to stop fantasies and day dreams, just to stop all things that I am conscious of as being related to Mind, this also includes points that I inevitably Will become conscious of
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to view sleep as rest, I forgive myself for allowing myself to hold onto the definition of sleep, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have a negative emotional-feeling reaction to the action of sleeping in very small ‘chunks’
I also realised today through writing myself out at the career group that I have been holding onto a secret jealousy of Christine all this time, it was that I was always jealous of her higher academic abilities, and always find myself in a lower position to her, which made me ‘feel’ bad
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to secretly hold onto jealousy against Christine for being academically ‘smarter’ than me. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define myself as being in a ‘lower’ position to her, and I forgive myself for also allowing and accepting to exist within me the idea and belief that I am ‘higher than her in certain aspects, like making money’. I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in these feelings of jealousy, and these thoughts of being better than her at ‘practical’ things. I forgive myself for defining myself according to these points.
It was hard work to stop myself from participating thought by thought, but I realise that this is going to be difficult, and until it gets easier, and until I uproot the primary memories associated with mind patterns/systems, it will not get any easier; however, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that this will be ‘hard’ work, I forgive myself for allowing me to be defined by this idea.
A pattern that I have just now noticed, whenever I am confronted with a picture of a pretty women, I attempt to have no reaction to it, but then rather I have the urge to listen to some music. This appears to obviously be some method that the mind uses to supplant the energy I have allowed into existence perhaps, regardless;
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to respond energetically when I see a picture of a ‘pretty’ woman, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to attempt to cover up the reaction by saying internally, ‘there is no reaction to this’, I forgive myself for then allowing myself to move on energetically to the thought of listening to some music. I forgive myself for having allowed and accepted these energetic creations and displacements, I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by these self created and allowed delusions. I forgive myself for responding robotically to these moments when I am confronted with these images.
Participating from a self created personality design with Mukhtaar just to avoid actual contact where I have to take responsibility for my words;
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in pre programmed personality design when facing people like Mukhtaar, I forgive myself for not allowing myself to take self responsibility for my words and actions when I am around people like him, I direct myself to first take a breath, and then to interact from a point of practicality, I direct myself to not hide behind smiles and personality designs when I am around him.
1/2/11 – Masturbated to quite sordid imagery today, feel a bit guilty, it is the idea of doing something forbidden, something illegal, something against everything I was taught
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in masturbation with imagery, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define myself according to the guilt at doing this, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to seek something outside of my pre programmed mind design, thus I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that masturbating to the images I use is just a polarity manifestation of my programming and thus it is not me exercising any actual freedom, but rather acting within polarity programming that is designed to make it seem as if ‘I’ ‘chose’ ‘it’ because it was ‘more’ ‘exciting’ than what I was raised to believe. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become sexually excited at the fantasy and thought of doing something illegal
I have a habit of postponing things, it has been with me since I can remember, will try to find earliest memory of this
I can still see clearly through my masturbation experience that I am defined and addicted to energy, and energy release
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by energy, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am addicted to energy, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in the belief that I must have an energy release, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define myself in terms of the belief that there can be an energy build up, and that this energy is what defined me. I direct myself to observe when the thoughts of energy release come, and then to release them through self forgiveness as in ‘I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in…thoughts of releasing this energy’, I will direct myself to breathe as the whole body, and not just a small part of it, I will direct myself to breathe as the body and to disperse any ‘energy’ equally as one with my entire human physical body.
It appears that when I was at the career development group today there was a lot of participation in thought form, walking there, being there, and walking back. But when I arrive at home immediately I notice I am more grounded and stable, and I find it more easier to be here as breath, I willingly accept and allow my participation within alternate mind dimensions, there are few moments of clarity, and many many triggers.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in alternate mind dimensions while walking to the CDG, I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in mind while I am actually there, I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate extensively in mind when I am walking back. I forgive myself for allowing myself to swing between being in and of mind while I am there, and being more stable when I am at ‘home’. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by this mind polarity of being stable at home, and being unstable when I am not at home. I direct myself to stand one and equal to what I have accepted and allowed to exist within me as being stable and ‘alright’ ‘here’, and being unstable ‘there’, I forgive myself for allowing myself to make a statement of separation of ‘here’ and ‘there’. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in perceptions of here and there. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself participate in the belief that it is easier to be ‘here’ at home than anywhere else, I forgive myself for allowing myself to define myself according to this belief, I direct myself to the realisation that this is a self limiting allowance, and it must be stopped in every moment, breath by breath. I direct myself to see when it happen, and I direct myself in that moment to ‘stop’ by focusing on body and breath.
I realised also that there was a lot of self justification (by self justification I just mean blatant denial of self honesty, I guess a better way of saying this is being self dishonest. towards accepting and allowing myself to participate in thought form/alternate mind dimensions, there was a minor resistance to writing this, as if I did not want to expose this to myself, so that I may be allowed to ‘secretly’ continue it
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in self justification towards accepting and allowing myself to participate in fantasies and alternate mind delusions/dimensions. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by the resistance I felt to exposing this to myself, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to ‘secretly’ continue this self justification by hiding it from myself.
There are other moments throughout my day where I notice myself suppressing things that I could technically expose to myself in that moment, by atleast making a note of it, but then more self justification will arise, like ‘I don’t want to spoil my note book by writing it quickly and randomly, I like everything in my self forgiveness book to be structured and tidy, I don’t have time at the moment, the counsellor is talk at the moment, I can do it later, I don’t want to face this point right now/
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to suppress points of self transcendence throughout my day, I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to expose myself to myself in that moment there, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in and be defined by a resistance to making a note of it at that moment, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to use self justification thoughts like, ‘I don’t want to spoil my note book. I would prefer it neat and hence I will not write it down now in a rush, I don’t have time, the counsellor is talking, I can do it later, I don’t want to face this point right now’. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by these self excusing self-dishonesty justifying thoughts; I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in them. I direct myself to take responsibility in each moment for myself, I direct myself to show to myself that I am absolutely self-committed! Till here no further, I will stop this self dishonesty, and I will walk through it breath by breath, without judging myself if I fall, until I am standing, stable, and until there is no more participation in self dishonest justification, no more avoiding responsibility for myself.
I have a serious addiction to imagination,
31/1/11- My self judgement towards my stomach, and believing that through self forgiveness I will ‘lose’ what I am ‘holding onto’.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in the belief that through self forgiveness I will lose weight. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in judgement towards my stomach area. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define my stomach as ‘fat’. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to secretly hope that through exercise my stomach will go flatter
Secretly holding onto the belief that through not masturbating I am somehow going to create/manifest super abundance and wealth. This information was gleaned through all the new age crap I read on the internet, how sexual energy is power, through the writings of mantak chia I was also led to believe similar energetically based theories. That by transmuting it one will gain ultimate knowledge and bliss, and as a side benefit by uber sexy, something my mind relentlessly holds onto
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by the thought that by ‘keeping’ all my sexual energy ‘stored’ I will manifest super abundance. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by the belief that energy is enlightenment and bliss. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by the desire to ‘transmute’ my sexual energy and become sexually ‘appealing’ to the opposite sex. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by these thoughts, beliefs, and desires. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by the thoughts and beliefs and actions and words of mantak chia.
Am about to go to the jobcentre work sessions, I direct myself to stand and breathe as one and equal to my body, and to face any reactions or movements that come up.
Judging myself for masturbating after having not 'done’ it for such a long time, even though I did not use images. I direct myself to walk with awareness of every step I take today.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge my self masturbation. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define myself as a failure for having done it, I direct myself to the realisation that in this case, I did not use images to masturbate, and it was solely between my hand and my body, therefore I did not participate in updating the collective MCS’s of reality. Whether I masturbated with a 100 per cent surety that I did not use images or not, will be seen. I forgive myself for having allowed myself to participate in self judgement towards my masturbation. I direct myself to not participate in self judgement, any supposed situation that ‘warrant’ self judgement is just another form of mind fucking with itself, as such I direct myself to stop this now.
LOWER BACK – ANXIOUSNESS TOWARDS LIFE/WORK
Am I starting to enjoy myself? It appears that each time I triumph over an accepted and allowed pattern, and when I have done it fully, and walked with it over some time, some subtle sourceless joy arises
Another note is that my lower back left hand side is hurting when I got back from job centre, I could see a lot of judgements towards the people around me, and a lot of mind personalities were used throughout my stay there, self protection personalities as well, fear of a black person there also.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by the judgements I participate in towards the members of my group that were present and not present today, as well as the members of other groups, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define them as either being negative or positive, and I forgive my reactions, emotions, and feelings towards them in those moments where they were either annoying me, or entertaining me. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in self created personality designs throughout my stay there. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to use self protection personalities to deal with that one black guy. I direct myself in such situations to stop myself from participating in thoughts of judgement, I direct myself in such situations to stop myself from entering personality designs, based on fear, or desire. And I do this by directing myself to remain with the breath, as the body, and to speak in practicality. I forgive myself for fearing my self without these personal personality barriers/filters. I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear thinking, writing, and speaking with out aid from personality. I direct myself towards the four count breath in all situations in every breath
30/1/11- I am experiencing a reluctance to go to the ‘back to work session tomorrow, it is the same feeling/thought/belief pattern I used to experience before going to school/college/university and work also. Although it is not that powerful lately, after using breathing and self forgiveness, there is still however a lingering thought within me that says ‘oh man, do I really have to do this? Its just gonna be the same old bullshit again and again and again’.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in the thought ‘what I am about to go through now is going to be exactly like all my other experiences, boring and non-useful’. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by those feelings that I have allowed within my life that would occur directly before having to participate in an experience that was ‘required’ of me. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in aversion to certain practicalities within this physical reality. I direct myself to move practically as the physical as the breath, and to stop anti practical participations in mind.
I noticed another point, when my phone receives a text message, my heart flutters and I go into momentary excitement at being contacted, the thought ‘I wonder who it could be arises!’
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in an energetic response when I am contacted on my phone, I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by this excitement I feel whenever I get a text. I direct myself to stop and breathe whenever my phone rings or receives texts, and to walk through this point until there is no more movement within me
No comments:
Post a Comment