Kim Basinger

7/2/11- Kim Basinger as the model for my ‘ideal woman’. When I was younger I used to watch batman a lot and the sight of Kim Basinger running barefoot used in fear really used to strike me as being rather sexy. In fact, in every scene, I remember idolising her, I did not realise until I watched it again that she is exactly the type of woman I have always had or wanted to have experiences of relationship with. Her eyes, her face, her blonde hair, her voice, her personality, her body, her mouth, her feet, her legs; everything I have based my idealised relationship pattern-behaviour on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by the past memory imprints that I hold of Kim Basinger. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to unconsciously place her as my ‘ideal woman for a relationship’. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by the lust I felt at her running barefoot in the movie. I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in the semi unconscious act of idolising her, I forgive myself for having allowed myself to base myself on my decisions to find a woman that fit her qualities exactly.  I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in the unconscious desires and lust related to her eyes, her face, her golden blonde hair, her voice, her personality, her body, her mouth, her feet, her legs. I forgive myself for allowing myself to create a personality system construct of patterns and behaviour based upon Kim Basinger!

A really weird anxiousness I have towards the idea of an agreement, subtle fear

I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in a subtle fear of agreement; I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by a fear of what they represent as absolute self honesty. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in a fear of self honesty

Embarrassment of dancing, past memories of trying dance and failing, in front of the girl I liked

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by past memory imprints of ‘failing’ at dancing in front of the girl I liked. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in embarrassment at those past memories. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by embarrassment at dancing.

My aversion to my sisters blatant favouritism of her daughter over her son, how I feel bad for the boy for being left out, even in terms of the cloths they both were, she gets the ‘nice’ stuff, and in my mind, he gets the cloths of a pauper, she gets ballet lessons, he gets left at home when they go out. I see this as my sisters attempt to fix the life of her daughter into a way that she envisaged her life should have been.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in aversion to my sister’s favouritism over her children. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in feelings of feeling bad for the body, I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by the anger I feel when I see her wearing better cloths than her brother. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in the perception that she gets the ‘nice stuff’ while he gets the crap stuff’. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in anger when they go out and he gets left at home with us. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to project the belief that my sister is trying to ‘fix’ the life of her daughter into a way that she envisaged her life should have been.

Semi strong desire to masturbate after not participating in it for five days. Using strong extreme imagery. I ended up doing it. Im a bit fed up with myself, I managed without it for so long last time, but then these super upgraded fantasies come into my head, it all comes out after that. Allowing super fantasies to rule over me is not cool.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by the desire to masturbate after having not done it for ‘a while’. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in strong imagery to eventually masturbate too. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in image based masturbation. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in feelings of being fed up with myself. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in the belief that when there has been prolonged energy build up, then it necessitates an equally strong image scenario to release the energy, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in the desire to achieve maximum image orgasm. I forgive myself for allowing myself to let images have power over me, self created or otherwise. I direct myself to realise that anything that influences me from within is something that I have separated myself from and am not standing one and equal too, I direct myself, when this point comes up again, to stand one and equal to it before I direct myself to stop participate in it.

Fear that I am doomed to live out the rest of my existence as a mind, the apathy that comes long with this thought, the thought of just giving up on myself, belief that I really don’t stand a chance

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by the belief that I am doomed to live out the rest of my existence as a mind. I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in this thought and to also follow up on it by participating in feelings of apathy. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to follow the subsequent thought that I should just give up. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in the belief that I should just give up

Slept two lots of 4 hours today, image and thought participation over the last few days has been what I would consider ‘normal’ through out my life i.e. quite fucked. But I just go on accepting it, hardly trying to stop. I still cant believe how much shit goes through my mind, it just seems to be getting worse, like there is not a single moment where I am silent. Lets see where this goes then shall we, I am curious. What happens when there is no self definition, no mind, no personality, no limits?