7-8/2/11 – I was so frustrated when I watched the video ‘me first’, it coincided with my falling into image masturbation again, I realised that I had been doing this whole thing completely backward. Up until today I was just stopping my participation in thought, stopping, stopping, stopping, as they came up, one by one, shooting them down, saying, NO, NO, NO! Then a point that Sunette made came up, one that I had always been subconsciously aware of; it was that before stopping, you have to first be self equal! You have to stand one and equal to the thoughts and mind constructs as they are accepted by you, and then you are able to direct it within it and as it. So when I was overpowered with sexual images, I was thinking oh crap, ‘I can’t control myself’, ‘damn I have to do it now!’ So when a point like this has power over me, it means that I am still separating myself from conscious, subconscious, and unconscious acceptances and allowances, so that means I have to stand equal too and one with my total mind consciousness system, and only then stop me as that part of me of and as the mind.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in feelings of being frustrated at having to change the way I stop thoughts. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in feelings of being a failure. I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realise that I must first stand one and equal to my mind before I attempt to stop it. I direct myself to stand equal too and one with my complete mind consciousness system in every breath, in every moment, and to direct myself to stop mind while standing within and as the mind.
Saadia, the girl at the careers group, brings up a lot my relationship constructs, like desire to talk, desire to be close too, desire to be noticed and given attention too, fantasies, assumptions, point of subtle manipulation, using things like humour and knowledge and information to show her that I am somebody. Part of these subconscious playouts is also the desire to have her read my writing, even though on the face of it I do not want her to read it. The thought and desire for her to read my writing, especially the parts with her in them, in the hope and wish that she will somehow give me special attention. I have always sought this special attention from the girls I were around, the ones I had an interest in. All my actions and words are based around her trying to get to like me, this is quite an old pattern, it has to stop here. I must stop defining myself according to this point of desire/inferiority of being single.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by relationship constructs that I have gathered and created throughout my life and up to this moment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by my participation in wanting to talk, desire to be close, desire to be noticed, desire to be given attention too, fantasies, assumptions, points of subtle manipulation, and using humour as well as knowledge and information in an attempt to show the girl that I am worth something. I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in these personality constructs of wishing and desiring as well as lying and manipulating. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the secret desire to have her read my writing as well as the parts with her in it. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in persona type ‘no I don’t want you to read it, but yet I do!’ I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in the desire for her to read my writing and I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in the desire that she will give me special attention. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to speak and act solely from the starting point of getting her to like me. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to always desire this special attention. I direct myself to stop this pattern here. When the point comes up tomorrow, I will stop it within it and as it. I will stop myself from accepting and allowing me to participate in thoughts centred around this. Lets see.
My fathers paranoia and worry being given to me, his worries about money translating itself over into emotions that I accept and allow. Hatred towards my father for trying to shift this onto me
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate within and as worry at my fathers worry. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to translate his worry into my worry. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to his imposed worrying. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in hidden fear response to his words. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in further hidden hatred against him for allowing and accepting this fear of money within and as himself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to these points
Fear of not having enough cloths to wear to make it seem like I have more pairs of jeans than I actually do, lol.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that I do not have enough pairs of jeans. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that I need more jeans. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by anxiousness to have more cloths. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by the fear of judgement of others with regards to my wardrobe and the cloths I wear. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate and be defined by these fears of judgements. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself based on the cloths I wear. I direct myself to stop and stand equal too and as the mind construct pertaining to outer appearances, and to direct myself to stop this construct.
I remember Alia dissing me for wearing my jeans too high once; I got really upset when she told me to pull them down more. Lol
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in feelings of ‘being hurt’ when Alia did not agree with my dress sense and was ashamed to be around me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in hidden emotional reaction to this past memory imprint as it was happening and when I think about it now. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined and based upon these fears, feelings of hurt, and self judgements.
Memory as a child being in my fathers car driving with him, the glass was foggy, I started doing a window screen wiping action, and some girls saw this and thought I was waving at them; they smiled, laughed, and waved back. I immediately responded with the feeling of embarrassment, and the thought ‘omg, they must think that I like them!’ even as a kid, I was scared of girls liking me, I was embarrassed of myself, I always had a poor self image which made me position myself from a point of inferiority.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in and define myself according to the embarrassment I felt at a young age at girls laughing and smiling at me. Maybe I was 9? I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought ‘omg they must think I like them, this is so embarrassing!’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in beliefs of poor self image. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to embarrassment of myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to position myself as a point of inferiority
Experiencing fear response when I hear the people living across from me shouting violently in fear and anger; mentioning my neighbour’s son.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a fear response whenever I hear people shouting loudly at each other or at something. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought of, ‘oh they are mentioning his name again, must be some sort of trouble, because he is always causing trouble, because of the way he grew up with his father’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by these thoughts and beliefs.
Going to my sisters house, the one who I have not seen for a long time because of family differences. Thinking that I am obliged to buy them gifts because I have not seem them in a while, wondering and projecting how they have all grown up.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that because I have not seen my sisters family in a long time, I am obliged to buy them all gifts. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by this belief that I owe someone something when I have chosen not to see them in a while. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in this self created and allowed guilt construct; I direct myself to get to the root memory pattern behind this and forgive it accordingly. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by this personality design
When Saadia comes into the room I go into a repetitive thought-relationship-behaviour construct (it is a pattern that I did not act upon, but I was strongly aware of it as a ‘urge’. Or, I choose not to go with the programming, and instead insert new programming in the form of the thought ‘ill be cool and not follow what I would usually do, that way she may perceive me as cool as well and then she will like me’. She is my minds representation of what I would look for in a relationship, she has qualities of sweetness and sincerity, and her personality is something I like too. Her body as well I find very sexy, her hands, her eyes, her face, her lips, her teeth, her back, her bum, her legs. I find myself attracted to her physically, very strongly.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the subconscious thought-behaviour-action pattern of wanting to talk to her and engage with her and start communicating with her immediately upon coming into contact with her. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by this desire to just talk for the sake of talking, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the desire to want to be with her in a romantic relationship. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in ideas and beliefs around romantic relationships. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the action of viewing this programming with a certain detachment, but then allowing myself to participate in the further thought ‘no, instead ill just not do what I would usually do, this was I may appear cool, and this way I may actually end up making her take interest in me, because that is what I ultimately want’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by these thoughts. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in these thoughts. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that she is a girl with whom I could envisage an ideal relationship with. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that it her personality qualities of sincerity and sweetness that I adore as well as her personality. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by belief-thought that I find her hands, eyes, lips, teeth, back, bum, legs, feet, everything, all sexy. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by these secret thoughts. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself participate in the thought that I would secretly like her to read this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this as yet another alternate mind reality fuck where I use something as a means to ‘get her’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought that I find her strongly physically attractive. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by these thoughts, beliefs, desires, and secret wishes.
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