Thursday 17 February 2011

Terror at Ideas of Nothing, how nothingness influenced me into not wanting to face myself

18/2/11Feeling ‘proud’ and ‘useful’ at having contributed something to family finances; I used this as an excuse to go into a ‘do whatever I want attitude’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that I have become ‘useful’ for contributing money to the family. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to the pride I feel in doing this. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this as justification to go into a state of mentality in which I say to myself ‘I am justified in doing what I want now’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to these thoughts, beliefs, and mind state justifications

Wanting to sleep, because its ‘warm’. Wanting to get away from myself.

I for give myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the desire to sleep ‘because its warm’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use warmth and comfort as a justification to get away from myself by sleeping. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the action of trying to get away from myself. I direct myself to understand that there should be nowhere else that I want to be, and that if there is a desire to escape somewhere it means that I am trying to escape from myself and what I have accepting and allowed. I direct myself to understand that I am facing myself and will have to face myself no matter what. So stop sleep. And start resting.

That there are some things that I don’t want to write down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the action of not writing down everything, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn away form things I am embarrassed or ashamed of. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in embarrassment and shame at those poinst. I direct myself to write them out and to stop them permanently.

Being scared of having nothing to do, in those moments of emptiness, when all chores are done, and everything I have purposefully engaged myself with is over, there I face myself, and then quickly try and come up with something else to do, it can be anything, the point is it has to be some thing, the notion of having nothing to do terrifies me to my core, because then all self definition stops; I will investigate my earliest memories of this, and I will confront it tonight when I am laying awake in my bed, ‘doing nothing’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a fear response at the prospect of having ‘nothing’ to ‘do’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the creation of mind system reinforcing actions and activities, in an effort to not confront myself in each moment as breath. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the quick formulation of ideas and activities to ‘entertain and distract myself with’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional reaction of terror at the idea of having nothing to do, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts of nothingness. I direct myself to realise that even the thought of nothing is still a thought, and that in actuality nothing does not exist, therefore by definition there is nothing to be scared of, lol. I direct myself to confront these thoughts of nothingness when I am with myself at night, as it is these trigger thoughts that initiate long sleep patterns in an effort to get away from this imaginary nothing. Brilliant. I will write back here on how that goes for me.

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