Smoking Again

12/2/11 – Mind racing, thoughts of absolute shit, cleanliness, work, cloths, job interviews, whether or not to call mate and have smoke, whether to go out shopping, constant thoughts, self judgement in regard to failing, apathy with my self, not wanting to write, not wanting to face myself honestly, thoughts of whether or not exercise, thinking that I have eaten too much again, over sleeping again. Finding it hard to stop fucking up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in racing thoughts, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand one and equal to all my thought manifestations. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts of cleanliness, whether to call up friend and go smoking, work, cloths, job interviews, whether or not to go out shopping, constant thoughts, self judgement at failing, apathy with self, not wanting to write, not wanting to be self honest, whether or not to exercise, thinking I have eaten too much, that I have over slept again. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to these thoughts and emotions. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that I am finding it hard to stop fucking up.

Frodo and the one ring, I finally know what he felt like. Looking at the green in my hand, I honestly could not believe that I threw it away. I don’t think I have the courage  of Frodo though, I’m more like golem (I even wrote that last line as ‘I more like golem’ O_o); holding onto the main part of it; still viewing it as ‘my precious’. There is just so much resistance to throwing it away. Just thinking about it my heart sinks, I have been holding onto those last two bags for so long, subconsciously saving it for a special occasion, consciously saving it for ‘testing myself’. I couldn’t see past that last thought barrier properly, not before this very moment, looking at it now it becomes very obvious how I hid this from myself, and even more obvious what I have to do about it.

When I am out smoking with him, as soon as I pass it to him, secret thought of ‘I want it back now! He is going to take it for too long! I want it, I want it, I want it!’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the secret thought of ‘I want the smoke back right now, I want to be more ‘high’, I want it now!’, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in and define myself through this thought pattern. I stand equal too and one with this, and I stop it here as me in every moment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the action of sharing in the shit I must stop, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in participating in sharing my desire to fuck with myself by smoking

Desire to not talk or write about this pattern, shame at this pattern, secret thought that if I show I am shameful I will be forgiven by anyone that gazes up on this, desire to be protected from the judgement of others. Desire to not face punishment for doing something ‘wrong’ by participating in this. The secret deep desire to participate in it; in retaliation of everyone and everything else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the desire to not write this out, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in shame at this pattern, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the secret thought that if I show that I am shameful I will be forgiven by anyone that gazes up on this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a desire to be protected from the judgement of others, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in fear of the judgement of others. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the desire to not face punishment, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the thought that what I am doing by smoking is ‘wrong’, thus creating a polarity manifestation of right and wrong. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in ideas of right and wrong, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to crave reward. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the feeling/thought of wanting to ‘run’ from punishment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to participate in something that is deemed ‘wrong’ by my culture: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts, feelings, words, and actions of retaliation. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to retaliation.

Desire to find some interesting, deep, fascinating thing to talk about, searching my mind of all the things I have come into contact with, trying to appear intellectual/wise.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the desire to find something deep, fascinating, interesting thing to talk about, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in action of searching through my mind to find something, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the need to appear intellectual and or wise/deep.