Not wanting to do things, 'I want to do it later!'

27-2-11 - Being annoyed at my sister whenever she asks me to stop doing something, like playing a game, I get very angry, to the point where I just don’t acknowledge her. This pattern has been going on for a long time since my youth, saying to myself, I don’t want to do it now, I want to do it later, fighting with whoever or whatever is being asked of me, and always putting it off for another time, always thinking that what I am doing now supersedes what I have to do and what is here for me to be done now. Always saying no, ALWAYS THINKING LATER. Allowing this to affect other parts of my life, always acting by this reasoning of slower is better, later is better. Secretly not wanting to have to deal with it at all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in annoyance at my sister for asking me to turn the game off. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a negative reaction of not saying anything when I am asked to do something, I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that I was stable and centred for not saying anything when in reality I was inwardly reacting and feeding this mind bubble. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have participated in this pattern from a very young age, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought ‘I don’t want to do this now, I want to do it later’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in fighting with whoever was asking me to do whatever it was that needed to be done. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the judgement ‘no it does not need to be done now’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the action and desire of wanting to leave it for another time, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  define myself according to the belief that what I am doing now takes priority over what has to be done now in this moment. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by these actions of putting things off till later. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought ‘NO, I WOULD RATHER DO IT LATER’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let this affect other areas of my life to the extent that with everything I do, I will put off. I forgive myself for allowing myself to define myself according to the need to put things off. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that slower is better, I forgive myself for using this idea of slowness as a justification for not doing things. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from myself the fact that I secretly don’t want to do anything at all. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by these constructs. I direct myself to observe whenever this pattern arises, to stand equal too and one with it, to breathe through it, and to get whatever needs to be done, done. Until this pattern is no longer, and until I am practically moving in this world as an expression of myself as what is best for all as one, and not the mind which I have come to accept and allow.

Being pissed off at being so crap at dragon age, thinking to myself that I am a looser because I cant even decently win fights without vastly struggling. Viewing this as a reflection of how ‘crap’ I am in reality. My desire to just for once be ‘good’ at something. To get my rogue up to scratch. And then thinking/feeling that I should just play on easy and enjoy the actual game, but then behind this thinking that I am not as good as all those other players that do it ‘properly’. Then being upset at this. Lol. It was a very hard series of emotions to go through

26/2/11 – Went for an interview yesterday, I always finding myself getting nervous when they ask me questions, and I always try and put on this confident smile, mixed with subtle interest, when in reality I am just looking to get the job, as a volunteer or otherwise. The lady who was there also said she would contact me with details, but she still has not done this; I find myself going into the same thought patterns of paranoia that I have always participated in, like ‘she must of thought that I was crap, she must of thought that the way I answered ‘that’ question was unsatisfactory. She must of thought badly of me for not wanting to ask any questions! Damn, im not even going to get a volunteer position, sad face, then I ‘look up’ and think to myself, ‘it was probably going to be crap anyway, and this means it will free me up to get that job that I always wanted.’

So I go through this swinging action of depression to hope, and this is how I always see myself doing this throughout my life, in any and every situation. And to think it all started off in my head, with the smallest projection, or the smallest ‘lack of’ action, not actually knowing anything about the situation I always tend to ‘fill in’ the blanks. First with negative and then with positive imagery.s

There are also many reactions towards my dad, whom I always hate when he says certain things, when he does things, when he speaks things, I always allow myself to think it is him

25/2/11 – Experienced a random act of verbal violence today, this is not the first time it has happened. And I react by going into a shell. Where I make it appear as if I did not hear them, or am ignoring them, and just continue walking. It is only after the fact that I start to experience the actual fear, all the what if’s come into my mind, and I start to worry; paranoia sets in and I start thinking about the safety of my family, thinking it was so close to my house, what if they know where I live and come back, but with more people. This fear of physical violence being perpetrated against me, or my family, frightens me. And the strange thing is, this will happened every so often, like once every six months, I was in my head a lot before and as this was happening. Is this trying to tell me something? Some sort of cycle showing me something? Showing me what|?

24/2/11- It’s a warm sunny day, and the urge to go out and get high is upon me again, the thought ‘what will I do when im outside in this weather, what will I do without green?’. I participate in the belief that one ‘happy’ days like these, green makes me even happier.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought ‘I want green because it is a nice sunny day’. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be limited by these thoughts of green and happiness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that because it is a sunny day, it is a happy day. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by ideas of happiness and light. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought ‘what else will I do outside in this weather, there is nothing that I would want to do more than to smoke green. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in this self limiting belief. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that on days like these the best thing to do is get high. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by these thought and beliefs and desires.

The thought that I just want time to speed up, so that I can show to myself that I will not be tempted to masturbate

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought that I want time to speed up so that I can show myself that I will not be tempted by masturbation. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by the desire to ‘fight against me and my sexual energies’

Thought of my penis touching a vagina playfully, and becoming arouse by this thought, after having seen it in a porno, where a woman playfully came into contact with her male protagonist and their genitalia made contact. I found this to be ‘stimulating’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in excitement and energy at the image of vagina playfully touching cock. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by excitement and energy at this playful attitude towards sex. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in masturbation thereafter. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by this stimulation, I forgive myself for allowing myself to let this thought and image have power over me.

When I see a girl smiling at me, I assume she is laughing at me, or in some cases flirting with me, but mostly laughing, I can remember doing this since quite a long time ago. Must source original memory

Running into eople from my past

22/2/11 – Past ‘friends’ and how I would treat them/view them/use them for my own means or to get something. Regret at having used them, regret at having used them just for drugs and escapism

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the construct of ‘friends’. I forgive myself for allowing myself to use ‘friends’ as a prop to support my ego. I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to negatively and dishonestly abuse and use ‘friends’ for my own egoic purposes. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the action of using friends to ‘get ahead’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have participate in the action of using friends as a drug source (lol, can you see the irony?). I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to use friends as an escape from myself

My desire to remain one step ahead of my brother in terms of weight loss. Always using/used him as a point of comparison

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that I must remain one step ahead of my brother when it comes to weight loss. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use him as a point of comparison for myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that I must go into ‘lose weight constructs’ when I am around him. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by the idea that I must lose weight. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to the desire to have a perfect body. I direct myself to stop all this bullshit. I direct myself to instead stand one and equal too my body, that’s enough.

My judging a friend as being evil and dishonest, thinking and believing that he will never ‘get it’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that my friend is the incarnation of pure ego. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that he is evil. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought that he will never ‘get it’. I direct myself to stop all judgements towards him. I direct myself to observe myself closely for any hidden judgements I may have towards him, and I direct myself to write it out ASAP and forgive the thoughts specifically.

Deeply held beliefs on money and sexual energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that sexual energy is akin to money. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by this thought of equating sexual energy to money. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in pre programmed beliefs about sexual energy. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by energy. I direct myself to observe when these points come up, and stop them accordingly.

When people see me after a long time the thought arises; damn, they must think that I have not changed at all, look how much they have changed, they have become successful and I am still the same boy that I was when I was young, they must think that im an unsuccessful looser.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when people I have not seen for a long time appear before me, to go into the thought reaction of ‘they must think I have not changed at all’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief and desire that when these people appear before me I must show them that I have ‘changed’. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by this desire to appear ‘changed’ in front of people from my past. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the perception ‘oh they have changed so much, they have become successful, I am still me as I was, that must mean they think im a looser’. I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in these thoughts. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by these thoughts. I direct myself to observe when these points come up, to stop them, by standing one and equal too them, and realising that any negative feelings (or positive feelings) I may be having, are self generated and self allowed. I direct myself to stop these deep patterns as and when I see them. I direct myself to confront them fully.

Past Achievements as Motivation for Action

21/2/11 - Need to weigh up my achievements to give me motivation to continue for something, like this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the mind system construct of ‘weighing up my achievement to motivate me to continue doing something’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the construct of motivation. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my ‘doing something’ on my past ‘achievements’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the idea of achievement. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by ideas of achievement, belief that I need motivation to do things; I direct myself to move practically as what is best for all equal and one. I direct myself to stop thoughts of ‘I have come so far, I should be proud of myself! If I continue I will be even better than I was before!’. I direct myself to see and observe these thoughts as they appear, and to stand equal too and one with them, and to stop them in every moment. I will not define myself according to achievement; I will no longer define myself according to motivation. I will no longer participate in the need to do something with ‘motivational backing’. I direct myself to do what I need to without all these ego supports. I direct myself to see and understand and realise that they are in fact supporting me as a mind.

Hero Daydream Response - Sourced

20/2/11 – My hero response is a response to emotional pain. I go into whenever I need to escape, I escape through music also. I also buy things to distract me from me, from my self, my emotions, from my situation. Ill confront everything. Now. Forever

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in emotional responses in regard to love, women, and attention, whether negative or positive. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape through music, daydreaming about being a hero, and buying things. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in these types of self distraction. I direct myself to observe when this happens, to stand one and equal too it, and to stop it in every moment, in every breath. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by these projections, I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by the need to ‘escape’. I forgive myself for allowing myself to sublimate the pain that I have allowed for projected fantasies of pleasure and heroism, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create self worth for myself. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by self worth. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by self image.

When I see a sexy girl in provocative pictures, I want to smoke. There is a fluttering tension inside me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in desires to smoke when I see pictures of women in provocative poses. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in energetic reactions to pictures of women.

Thoughts of humiliation in my dream, turned me on. Willing to masturbate over such fantasies, strong desire to just release the energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in self humiliation. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing as fact that I can be humiliated. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that humiliation exists. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be sexually aroused by thoughts of self humiliation. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by these thoughts of self humiliation. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thought desires to masturbate over this. I direct myself to realise that anything that makes me want to masturbate/release is something that still holds power over me and that I am royally separating myself from. I direct myself to stop separating myself from these thoughts, to stand one too and equal too it, to forgive it, to not let it have any power over me. I direct myself to do this in every breath in every moment for 90 days, to show that I am not addicted to sexual energy.

Jealousy at the thought of Alia being more well off than me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in jealousy towards the thought of Alia being more well off than me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts of her being ‘more’ than I ‘am’

My need to call people on their shots

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the reaction of having to ‘call people on their shots’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the need to make myself seem ‘hard’. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by this point. I direct myself to stop all manifestations in relation to this point, through breath and awareness.

In my dream I was about to have sex with a black girl, thoughts that I shouldn’t to avoid upgrading my mind systems. But then finally I thought, this is probably the only time its going to happen so I may as well leap on the opportunity, so go for it Zak. I am pretty sure in real life situations I would do the same thing, totally pleasure-penis centric, not an expression of body-self, just a part.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by the thought that I must leap on sexual opportunities because I rarely get them, and so it does not matter who it is with. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that I would not have sex with a black girl because I do not find them appealing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by this thought of judgement. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just jump on sexual opportunities without fully understanding the ramifications if I do it from a starting point of lust and mind. I forgive myself for not allowing myself to take into account my whole body as one, and to thus be one and equal too it in these cases and to take it in to full account.

19/2/11 – Viewing religious scholars from the same background as me, I get so fucked, like an intense embarrassment and shame comes over me, as if their stupidity is my own. I allow myself to go into an emotional reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in shame and embarrassment every time I see creationist religious scholars, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that they reflect ‘badly’ up on me, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought ‘what will other people think of ‘me’ when they see ‘him’’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a bodily reaction of tightness when I see or hear about these things.

Going crazy with thought, giving all my power away to mind fantasies, images, and thoughts, and backchatting; believing that I have no control, and that it is just who I am, so that I may as well ‘go with it’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that I am going crazy with thought. I forgive myself for just accepting and allowing myself to give all my power away to mind fantasies images thoughts and backchatting, believing that I have no control over them. I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that regardless of what is going on within me, I am the directive principle behind it, so I must stop, but first stand equal too and one with it. I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in the action of just ‘going with it’

Blonde girls, how I get excited when I see one, especially those that look like manifestations of past ego interests.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in excitement whenever I see blonde girls that resemble past influences. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in subtle feelings of hatred, jealousy and anger at them. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by these desires and emotions regarding blonde people. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that blonde people are superior to me because they are beautiful.

Had a dream, about the past, that one girl told the whole class I was a virgin, a blonde girl I knew was also there, I tried to keep it together, but I ended up getting watery eyed. And everybody laughed. Still showing I hold onto self definition on this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto self definition relating to past events. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to the anger and embarrassment I felt at the blonde girl. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by the words ‘you’re a virgin!’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that because I was a virgin back then, I was not worth anything. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cry at others peoples judgements towards me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by other peoples judgements. I forgive myself for defining myself according to their whims. I forgive myself for not allowing myself to give myself my power back to me, and to not allow others to take me away from me. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by these thoughts, beliefs, perceptions, emotions, and projections.

18/2/11 -Daydreaming and fantasising with images of heroism and self sacrifice as a way to appease my secret deep desire to have people like and love me! This is one of the points I have realised here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the desire to be loved. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the desire to be liked by others. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by these deep desires for love and attention. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my personality design around this construct. I direct myself to stop these manifestations and search for any and all other manifestations that are directly related to this construct. I direct myself to realise that it is mind fucking with itself, and has no bearing on actual physical reality.

Terror at Ideas of Nothing, how nothingness influenced me into not wanting to face myself

18/2/11 – Feeling ‘proud’ and ‘useful’ at having contributed something to family finances; I used this as an excuse to go into a ‘do whatever I want attitude’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that I have become ‘useful’ for contributing money to the family. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to the pride I feel in doing this. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this as justification to go into a state of mentality in which I say to myself ‘I am justified in doing what I want now’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to these thoughts, beliefs, and mind state justifications

Wanting to sleep, because its ‘warm’. Wanting to get away from myself.

I for give myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the desire to sleep ‘because its warm’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use warmth and comfort as a justification to get away from myself by sleeping. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the action of trying to get away from myself. I direct myself to understand that there should be nowhere else that I want to be, and that if there is a desire to escape somewhere it means that I am trying to escape from myself and what I have accepting and allowed. I direct myself to understand that I am facing myself and will have to face myself no matter what. So stop sleep. And start resting.

That there are some things that I don’t want to write down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the action of not writing down everything, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn away form things I am embarrassed or ashamed of. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in embarrassment and shame at those poinst. I direct myself to write them out and to stop them permanently.

Being scared of having nothing to do, in those moments of emptiness, when all chores are done, and everything I have purposefully engaged myself with is over, there I face myself, and then quickly try and come up with something else to do, it can be anything, the point is it has to be some thing, the notion of having nothing to do terrifies me to my core, because then all self definition stops; I will investigate my earliest memories of this, and I will confront it tonight when I am laying awake in my bed, ‘doing nothing’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a fear response at the prospect of having ‘nothing’ to ‘do’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the creation of mind system reinforcing actions and activities, in an effort to not confront myself in each moment as breath. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the quick formulation of ideas and activities to ‘entertain and distract myself with’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional reaction of terror at the idea of having nothing to do, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts of nothingness. I direct myself to realise that even the thought of nothing is still a thought, and that in actuality nothing does not exist, therefore by definition there is nothing to be scared of, lol. I direct myself to confront these thoughts of nothingness when I am with myself at night, as it is these trigger thoughts that initiate long sleep patterns in an effort to get away from this imaginary nothing. Brilliant. I will write back here on how that goes for me.

Future projections that always fucked me over

Jealousy of other people, whether about looks, whether about money, family status, security, whether they have a cat.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in feelings of jealousy, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be triggered by looks, money, status, security, and whether they have things I ‘want’. I direct myself to see that this is not me and is not best for all, and is a mind fuck, I direct myself to see and observe and stop all my participate in constructs of jealousy

Frustration at waiting for my mother to get out of the toilet, flurry of thoughts, ‘I do so much for her, I always get out when she wants, I have knocked so many times now, I cant believe how long this is taking, how selfish!’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in feelings of frustration at waiting to go to the toilet, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this trigger of waiting as a point from which I will initiate a thought stream around ‘how much she owes me’ for ‘doing things for her’. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by this construct of ‘I owe you, and you owe me’

Jealousy and fear of Bernard as god, where everything is here within him, then corresponding justifying thought; I want to be like that, isn’t that the whole point? To be become one AND equal to everything. Starts with subtle anger though.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in jealousy at the idea of Bernard being a god, I direct myself to realise that it is in actuality radical common sense and is something that is in its definition available for all. There will be no more higher and lower.

When I used to call up this girl I knew, and she would be huffing and puffing, I would immediately assume that she had been fucking somebody, and then got jealous, and then thought flurry/imagination stream would take place, this was a prime example of how I was fucking with my self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in negative projections based on something that is or was happening in my ‘world’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in feelings of sadness and anxiousness at a hypothetical constructed reality projection, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in these projected reality manifestations.

My dad telling me how he fell on the bus, and implying that I should go with him when he shops so I can help him, saying ‘all you do is jump, eat, and sleep’. Annoyance and anger at this statement; thinking to myself that it is true. Thinking that I just want to get a job so that I can get out of the house

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in feelings of subtle anger and annoyance at my fathers implying that I am a lazy fuck, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that this is true thereby allowing myself to be defined further in constructs of lazy and apathetic. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the desire to get a job just so that I can get away from him and this house, I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by these thoughts and feelings. I direct myself to get a job because it is the practical thing to do in this reality at the moment. No emotion necessary. No thought necessary, no projections, and no desires are necessary. Just move practically.

Family Points, Self Judgement,, Jealousy of others

13/2/11 -  With family today, those that I have not seen in a long time due to political differences between our families, there were lots of those long and uncomfortable silences, with me umming and ahhing, even I saw how uncomfortable I was making it. The conversation would just be nervous talk; there were a lot of moments with my sister, it was very close relationship stuff like embracing and kissing – like after a long time out of touch, there were quite a few weird moments with her as well though, she came in and told me that I had done something politically incorrect, and that I should not have hugged my nieces because they were ‘coming of age’ and stuff like physical contact between opposing sexes is strictly forbidden according to stuff like Islamic scriptures. I felt a bit weirded out, but I really just wanted to say how much I disagree with the whole construct.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that there are political differences between my family and my sisters family, i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the construct of political differences. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the construct of long uncomfortable silences. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the physical distraction method of umming and ahhing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the mind action of trying to be ‘somewhere else’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the personality system of ‘nervous chit chat’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in awkwardness of close contact with my sister. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in feelings of weirdness with my sister. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in feelings of awkwardness at my sisters families views. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in personality constructs when I am around my sisters and their families.

There was lots of jealousy of my nephew as well, he seems to be doing things that I always wanted to do, but never had the ‘balls’ too, like travelling by himself, or just ‘making good’. I got jealous at the fact that he is starting to become and independent man and I am still trying to get a job. Almost like I emasculated myself, meaning that I was operating by male construct in terms of ego building- in this case it was the ‘independence mind demon’ which says I am a nobody unless I am by myself doing it for myself. I never saw that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in jealousy of my nephew. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to participate in the thought ‘he is doing things that I always wanted to do’ and ‘he is doing it better’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that he is becoming a man by becoming independent, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must not let him ‘beat me’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have emasculated myself and that there is such a thing as emasculation. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by the male ego construct of having to be better and bigger and brighter and more super than the man sitting next to and opposite me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief and thought that I must be an independent man to show that I am worth something. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to the desire to show that I am worth something.

When my brother in law subtly says I should lose weight by ‘going on a three day fast’. I get annoyed. I even entertain the idea, then I get self conscious about my weight and appearance again, and then suddenly im twice as ugly as before when I glance in the mirror, and then I find myself doing exercise. And then I think im a looser because I have not got a job. All of this compounds upon itself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take on the point of fasting and loosing weight within and as me every time my brother in law brings it up as a subtle issue. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in feelings of annoyance. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this as a trigger point for a thought flurry of becoming self conscious about my weight, I forgive myself for then accepting and allowing myself to judge my appearance and weight, I further forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts of being twice as ugly as I perceived myself to be before, and then to exercise to make myself look beautiful. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the construct of ugly and beautiful. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by ideas of ugly and beautiful. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to round it all off by inwardly stating to myself within and as me that I am a looser because I don’t even have a job. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be participate in these reactions, and be defined by these thoughts, judgements, beliefs, perceptions, and ideas about myself.

Smoking Again

12/2/11 – Mind racing, thoughts of absolute shit, cleanliness, work, cloths, job interviews, whether or not to call mate and have smoke, whether to go out shopping, constant thoughts, self judgement in regard to failing, apathy with my self, not wanting to write, not wanting to face myself honestly, thoughts of whether or not exercise, thinking that I have eaten too much again, over sleeping again. Finding it hard to stop fucking up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in racing thoughts, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand one and equal to all my thought manifestations. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts of cleanliness, whether to call up friend and go smoking, work, cloths, job interviews, whether or not to go out shopping, constant thoughts, self judgement at failing, apathy with self, not wanting to write, not wanting to be self honest, whether or not to exercise, thinking I have eaten too much, that I have over slept again. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to these thoughts and emotions. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that I am finding it hard to stop fucking up.

Frodo and the one ring, I finally know what he felt like. Looking at the green in my hand, I honestly could not believe that I threw it away. I don’t think I have the courage  of Frodo though, I’m more like golem (I even wrote that last line as ‘I more like golem’ O_o); holding onto the main part of it; still viewing it as ‘my precious’. There is just so much resistance to throwing it away. Just thinking about it my heart sinks, I have been holding onto those last two bags for so long, subconsciously saving it for a special occasion, consciously saving it for ‘testing myself’. I couldn’t see past that last thought barrier properly, not before this very moment, looking at it now it becomes very obvious how I hid this from myself, and even more obvious what I have to do about it.

When I am out smoking with him, as soon as I pass it to him, secret thought of ‘I want it back now! He is going to take it for too long! I want it, I want it, I want it!’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the secret thought of ‘I want the smoke back right now, I want to be more ‘high’, I want it now!’, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in and define myself through this thought pattern. I stand equal too and one with this, and I stop it here as me in every moment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the action of sharing in the shit I must stop, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in participating in sharing my desire to fuck with myself by smoking

Desire to not talk or write about this pattern, shame at this pattern, secret thought that if I show I am shameful I will be forgiven by anyone that gazes up on this, desire to be protected from the judgement of others. Desire to not face punishment for doing something ‘wrong’ by participating in this. The secret deep desire to participate in it; in retaliation of everyone and everything else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the desire to not write this out, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in shame at this pattern, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the secret thought that if I show that I am shameful I will be forgiven by anyone that gazes up on this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a desire to be protected from the judgement of others, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in fear of the judgement of others. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the desire to not face punishment, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the thought that what I am doing by smoking is ‘wrong’, thus creating a polarity manifestation of right and wrong. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in ideas of right and wrong, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to crave reward. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the feeling/thought of wanting to ‘run’ from punishment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to participate in something that is deemed ‘wrong’ by my culture: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts, feelings, words, and actions of retaliation. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to retaliation.

Desire to find some interesting, deep, fascinating thing to talk about, searching my mind of all the things I have come into contact with, trying to appear intellectual/wise.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the desire to find something deep, fascinating, interesting thing to talk about, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in action of searching through my mind to find something, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the need to appear intellectual and or wise/deep.

Self Justification Thought Patterns

11/2/11 – Thoughts of wanting to smoke again, I see myself being strongly influenced by the idea of just going out and saying ‘fuck it, I may as well, its been so long’. I must remind myself that anything that has power to influence me within me, is something that I have separate myself from, and which has ‘more’ power over me as it is externalised from me. No motivation to do anything unless I know im smoking

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that I am strongly influenced by the thought of wanting to smoke, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this as a pre abdication of responsibility, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought ‘fuck it, I may as well, its been so long’. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to unconditionally show myself that anything that has the power to influence me is something that I am separating from me, I direct myself to breathe, and stand one and equal to this mind pattern until I stop it. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still exist in and participate as the mind behaviour pattern of not being motivated to do something unless I know ill be smoking.

Thought that oh I’ve come this Far, I may as well! The way I see my mind legitimising it, ‘if I don’t promise not to masturbate, then it wont be so bad if I don’t smoke, I still have one thing I am transcending.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought justification ‘I’ve come this far, I may as well!’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in this thought. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought ‘if I don’t masturbate, then it wont be so bad if I don’t smoke, if I don’t smoke, then it wont be so bad if I don’t masturbate, either way, ill still have one thing I am ‘transcending’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in this thought justification

Family and Supreme Claustrophobia

10/2/11 – Experienced a dream in which I was trapped imprisoned in my bathroom by my family and the authorities, I remember screaming in agony at not being able to open the window more than a hand span, the thought of being there for the rest of my life scared me so much, the feeling of claustrophobia was incomparable to anything I have ever felt, I think it was the first time I felt this feeling; I was in complete fear, I was in anxiety, I was feeling hopeless, at being able to do nothing. This whole experience scared the shit out of me. I woke up quite jarred.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to feelings of imprisonment, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in absolute frustration at not being able to open the window, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my feeling of stability and security within the act of opening the window. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in and participate in the thought that ‘I will be here for the rest of my life’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in feelings of fear, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in feelings of anxiety and hopelessness, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to claustrophobia. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that I ‘could do nothing’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue with my participate in these deep feelings even after I had woken up, instead of unconditionally standing equal too and one with them, and then stopping them. I direct myself to the remembrance that I must stand equal too and one with my mind before I stop it within and as it.

Subtle Relationship Pangs

9/2/11 –   I am currently experiencing a sadness at not being in a relationship, there is a strong desire to just be with someone, to have a support for my ego, someone to fuck me, and who will allow me to fuck myself. I remember this feeling from long ago, it was very prominent then, and it is only subtle now but has come up strongly today. For instance when a girl I like or have created a energetic relationship where in my mind I am close to her, I will actually start worrying when they break up a routine that they have stuck by – and that I have formed of them, I get very anxious when they for instance do not turn up where and when they are supposed to. I go into fear and paranoia responses, and create scenarios of possible murder and rape. And then I compound and compound until I just forget that I ever went through this self created self manifested experience. For instance when they suddenly come through the door, I am not even appeased for a split second, not even a moment before I go onto the next thought of ‘I wonder why they are late, why do look so down? What happened to them? is she alright? I hope she is alright, god I just want to talk to her now and know that everything is ok!’ Today this happened, it is quite an extensive pattern, and I have seen it a lot in my past interactions with girls that I ‘liked’. A note: if it was a girl that I did not like, I would not give a shit, even if the worst were to happen. That is so fucked. SO FUCKED, I will not allow this to continue, I cannot.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in feelings of strong desire to be with someone and to be in a relationship, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to secretly desire relationships while outwardly trying to appear aloof. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to prop up my ego with a support, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to the need to have someone fuck me, and to have one who will allow me to fuck myself. I forgive myself for allowing all past manifestations of this and for allowing past to influence me when these same patterns come up. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can be ‘close’ to a girl emotionally after very short while. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my personality design on ideas of being close to or not being to close to a woman/girl. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the further personality mind manifestation of going into patterns and thought behaviours of worry and paranoia. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive and define according to certain patterns I see in their behaviour and actions, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be erred when they break with this perceived/imagined pattern. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in anxiousness when they do not turn up where and when they were supposed to. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in daydreams and scenarios of possible murder and rape.. I forgive myself for my past actions of accepting and allowing myself to simply repress these feelings at the end of the day and ‘move on’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately go into further thought compounding when they come through the door with new thoughts of worry and anxiousness like ‘I wonder why she is late, why does she look so down, what happened to her, is she alright, I hope she is alright, god I just want to talk to her now and know that everything is ok!. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base myself on this extensive pattern whenever a girl I like appears and then disappears. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I commit an act of gross inequalty when I seemingly ‘care’ for this individual but if something like one of the scenarios or worse were to happen to another girl, I would not give a shit. Unacceptable. I direct myself to stop all this bullshit. I direct myself to search for the defining  memory/root point and forgive and stand up from

A side note, when I have finished my day, especially after relationship pangs, I will create loads of daydreams with happy endings, and the thing is they will actually appease me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create pleasurable daydreams after days where I have felt yearnings to be in a relationship. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be appeased by them. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in. I direct myself to stand one too and equal to them and to simply stop them by breath, I direct myself to see how unbelievably useless they are to my existence.

Relationship

Saadia and relationship/courting behaviour constructs

7-8/2/11 – I was so frustrated when I watched the video ‘me first’, it coincided with my falling into image masturbation again, I realised that I had been doing this whole thing completely backward. Up until today I was just stopping my participation in thought, stopping, stopping, stopping, as they came up, one by one, shooting them down, saying, NO, NO, NO! Then a point that Sunette made came up, one that I had always been subconsciously aware of; it was that before stopping, you have to first be self equal! You have to stand one and equal to the thoughts and mind constructs as they are accepted by you, and then you are able to direct it within it and as it. So when I was overpowered with sexual images, I was thinking oh crap, ‘I can’t control myself’, ‘damn I have to do it now!’ So when a point like this has power over me, it means that I am still separating myself from conscious, subconscious, and unconscious acceptances and allowances, so that means I have to stand equal too and one with my total mind consciousness system, and only then stop me as that part of me of and as the mind.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in feelings of being frustrated at having to change the way I stop thoughts. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in feelings of being a failure. I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realise that I must first stand one and equal to my mind before I attempt to stop it. I direct myself to stand equal too and one with my complete mind consciousness system in every breath, in every moment, and to direct myself to stop mind while standing within and as the mind.

Saadia, the girl at the careers group, brings up a lot my relationship constructs, like desire to talk, desire to be close too, desire to be noticed and given attention too, fantasies, assumptions, point of subtle manipulation, using things like humour and knowledge and information to show her that I am somebody. Part of these subconscious playouts is also the desire to have her read my writing, even though on the face of it I do not want her to read it. The thought and desire for her to read my writing, especially the parts with her in them, in the hope and wish that she will somehow give me special attention. I have always sought this special attention from the girls I were around, the ones I had an interest in. All my actions and words are based around her trying to get to like me, this is quite an old pattern, it has to stop here. I must stop defining myself according to this point of desire/inferiority of being single.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by relationship constructs that I have gathered and created throughout my life and up to this moment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by my participation in wanting to talk, desire to be close, desire to be noticed, desire to be given attention too, fantasies, assumptions, points of subtle manipulation, and using humour as well as knowledge and information in an attempt to show the girl that I am worth something. I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in these personality constructs of wishing and desiring as well as lying and manipulating. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the secret desire to have her read my writing as well as the parts with her in it. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in persona type ‘no I don’t want you to read it, but yet I do!’ I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in the desire for her to read my writing and I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in the desire that she will give me special attention. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to speak and act solely from the starting point of getting her to like me. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to always desire this special attention. I direct myself to stop this pattern here. When the point comes up tomorrow, I will stop it within it and as it. I will stop myself from accepting and allowing me to participate in thoughts centred around this. Lets see.

My fathers paranoia and worry being given to me, his worries about money translating itself over into emotions that I accept and allow. Hatred towards my father for trying to shift this onto me

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate within and as worry at my fathers worry. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to translate his worry into my worry. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to his imposed worrying. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in hidden fear response to his words. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in further hidden hatred against him for allowing and accepting this fear of money within and as himself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to these points

Fear of not having enough cloths to wear to make it seem like I have more pairs of jeans than I actually do, lol.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that I do not have enough pairs of jeans. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that I need more jeans. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by anxiousness to have more cloths. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by the fear of judgement of others with regards to my wardrobe and the cloths I wear. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate and be defined by these fears of judgements. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself based on the cloths I wear. I direct myself to stop and stand equal too and as the mind construct pertaining to outer appearances, and to direct myself to stop this construct.

I remember Alia dissing me for wearing my jeans too high once; I got really upset when she told me to pull them down more. Lol

  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in feelings of ‘being hurt’ when Alia did not agree with my dress sense and was ashamed to be around me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in hidden emotional reaction to this past memory imprint as it was happening and when I think about it now. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined and based upon these fears, feelings of hurt, and self judgements.

Memory as a child being in my fathers car driving with him, the glass was foggy, I started doing a window screen wiping action, and some girls saw this and thought I was waving at them; they smiled, laughed, and waved back. I immediately responded with the feeling of embarrassment, and the thought ‘omg, they must think that I like them!’ even as a kid, I was scared of girls liking me, I was embarrassed of myself, I always had a poor self image which made me position myself from a point of inferiority.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in and define myself according to the embarrassment I felt at a young age at girls laughing and smiling at me. Maybe I was 9? I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought ‘omg they must think I like them, this is so embarrassing!’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in beliefs of poor self image. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to embarrassment of myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to position myself as a point of inferiority

Experiencing fear response when I hear the people living across from me shouting violently in fear and anger; mentioning my neighbour’s son.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a fear response whenever I hear people shouting loudly at each other or at something. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought of, ‘oh they are mentioning his name again, must be some sort of trouble, because he is always causing trouble, because of the way he grew up with his father’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by these thoughts and beliefs.

Going to my sisters house, the one who I have not seen for a long time because of family differences. Thinking that I am obliged to buy them gifts because I have not seem them in a while, wondering and projecting how they have all grown up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that because I have not seen my sisters family in a long time, I am obliged to buy them all gifts. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by this belief that I owe someone something when I have chosen not to see them in a while. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in this self created and allowed guilt construct; I direct myself to get to the root memory pattern behind this and forgive it accordingly. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by this personality design

When Saadia comes into the room I go into a repetitive thought-relationship-behaviour construct (it is a pattern that I did not act upon, but I was strongly aware of it as a ‘urge’. Or, I choose not to go with the programming, and instead insert new programming in the form of the thought ‘ill be cool and not follow what I would usually do, that way she may perceive me as cool as well and then she will like me’. She is my minds representation of what I would look for in a relationship, she has qualities of sweetness and sincerity, and her personality is something I like too. Her body as well I find very sexy, her hands, her eyes, her face, her lips, her teeth, her back, her bum, her legs. I find myself attracted to her physically, very strongly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the subconscious thought-behaviour-action pattern of  wanting to talk to her and engage with her and start communicating with her immediately upon coming into contact with her. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by this desire to just talk for the sake of talking, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the desire to want to be with her in a romantic relationship. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in ideas and beliefs around romantic relationships. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the action of viewing this programming with a certain detachment, but then allowing myself to participate in the further thought ‘no, instead ill just not do what I would usually do, this was I may appear cool, and this way I may actually end up making her take interest in me, because that is what I ultimately want’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by these thoughts. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in these thoughts. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that she is a girl with whom I could envisage an ideal relationship with. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that it her personality qualities of sincerity and sweetness that I adore as well as her personality. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by belief-thought that I find her hands, eyes, lips, teeth, back, bum, legs, feet, everything, all sexy. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by these secret thoughts. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself participate in the thought that I would secretly like her to read this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this as yet another alternate mind reality fuck where I use something as a means to ‘get her’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought that I find her strongly physically attractive. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by these thoughts, beliefs, desires, and secret wishes.

Kim Basinger

7/2/11- Kim Basinger as the model for my ‘ideal woman’. When I was younger I used to watch batman a lot and the sight of Kim Basinger running barefoot used in fear really used to strike me as being rather sexy. In fact, in every scene, I remember idolising her, I did not realise until I watched it again that she is exactly the type of woman I have always had or wanted to have experiences of relationship with. Her eyes, her face, her blonde hair, her voice, her personality, her body, her mouth, her feet, her legs; everything I have based my idealised relationship pattern-behaviour on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by the past memory imprints that I hold of Kim Basinger. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to unconsciously place her as my ‘ideal woman for a relationship’. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by the lust I felt at her running barefoot in the movie. I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in the semi unconscious act of idolising her, I forgive myself for having allowed myself to base myself on my decisions to find a woman that fit her qualities exactly.  I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in the unconscious desires and lust related to her eyes, her face, her golden blonde hair, her voice, her personality, her body, her mouth, her feet, her legs. I forgive myself for allowing myself to create a personality system construct of patterns and behaviour based upon Kim Basinger!

A really weird anxiousness I have towards the idea of an agreement, subtle fear

I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in a subtle fear of agreement; I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by a fear of what they represent as absolute self honesty. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in a fear of self honesty

Embarrassment of dancing, past memories of trying dance and failing, in front of the girl I liked

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by past memory imprints of ‘failing’ at dancing in front of the girl I liked. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in embarrassment at those past memories. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by embarrassment at dancing.

My aversion to my sisters blatant favouritism of her daughter over her son, how I feel bad for the boy for being left out, even in terms of the cloths they both were, she gets the ‘nice’ stuff, and in my mind, he gets the cloths of a pauper, she gets ballet lessons, he gets left at home when they go out. I see this as my sisters attempt to fix the life of her daughter into a way that she envisaged her life should have been.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in aversion to my sister’s favouritism over her children. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in feelings of feeling bad for the body, I forgive myself for allowing myself to be defined by the anger I feel when I see her wearing better cloths than her brother. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in the perception that she gets the ‘nice stuff’ while he gets the crap stuff’. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in anger when they go out and he gets left at home with us. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to project the belief that my sister is trying to ‘fix’ the life of her daughter into a way that she envisaged her life should have been.

Semi strong desire to masturbate after not participating in it for five days. Using strong extreme imagery. I ended up doing it. Im a bit fed up with myself, I managed without it for so long last time, but then these super upgraded fantasies come into my head, it all comes out after that. Allowing super fantasies to rule over me is not cool.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by the desire to masturbate after having not done it for ‘a while’. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in strong imagery to eventually masturbate too. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in image based masturbation. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in feelings of being fed up with myself. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in the belief that when there has been prolonged energy build up, then it necessitates an equally strong image scenario to release the energy, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in the desire to achieve maximum image orgasm. I forgive myself for allowing myself to let images have power over me, self created or otherwise. I direct myself to realise that anything that influences me from within is something that I have separated myself from and am not standing one and equal too, I direct myself, when this point comes up again, to stand one and equal to it before I direct myself to stop participate in it.

Fear that I am doomed to live out the rest of my existence as a mind, the apathy that comes long with this thought, the thought of just giving up on myself, belief that I really don’t stand a chance

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be defined by the belief that I am doomed to live out the rest of my existence as a mind. I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in this thought and to also follow up on it by participating in feelings of apathy. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to follow the subsequent thought that I should just give up. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in the belief that I should just give up

Slept two lots of 4 hours today, image and thought participation over the last few days has been what I would consider ‘normal’ through out my life i.e. quite fucked. But I just go on accepting it, hardly trying to stop. I still cant believe how much shit goes through my mind, it just seems to be getting worse, like there is not a single moment where I am silent. Lets see where this goes then shall we, I am curious. What happens when there is no self definition, no mind, no personality, no limits?